Alicia Freeman is an English senior and Mustang Daily relationship advice columnist.
I hope everyone out there experienced a joyful and gut-busting Thanksgiving, free from past and new relationship drama, as well as a nice vacation from the stress of impending finals. I, thankfully, had no drama, but finals remain a big stressor these days.
Still, while near my hometown, it became hard to not notice the way things had changed: what stores now stood empty, what friends now have spouses and children and, ultimately, what friends or acquaintances now date each other.
A girl I ended up carpooling with informed me that while she was home, she found out an ex-boyfriend of hers now had a child with an old friend of hers from high school. Though she no longer wanted to be with her ex, she appeared distressed by the news, citing how weird it was for the two of them to now be together, especially after her own relationship with him ended in disaster.
“It’s just strange to think that he has a baby with her now,” she said, staring out the window and trying to avoid my idiot cat, who somehow managed to escape from his cage three times and wreak havoc on my car and laundry. “I don’t think I could even look her in the face if I saw her.”
I personally do not have many exes to speak of, let alone be distressed by their interactions with former or current friends of mine. Yet, I can admit I became quite upset when I discovered an acquaintance from the old high school drama program was dating a boy who broke up with me my junior year in high school. He being the first and nearly only boy to end things, my pride was bruised and angry.
I named all the ways I shined above this girl I no longer even knew in regards to a boy I even more certainly no longer knew. The friends I expressed this long list of grievances to merely thought me “harsh,” and that I should “get over it,” but even now when I think of that girl, anger grabs my heart. That may also be because she was in my girl scout troop as a kid and always sold more cookies than me — it may be a long-running grudge.
Still, as I grow older, I see more and more of my friends reacting to the new relationships of their exes, especially if that new relationship exists with another friend or acquaintance. A friend of mine, who happily dates a nice, upstanding young man, revealed her long term ex-boyfriend has recently become engaged to an old friend of hers, who also has a baby with one of her other exes.
“It’s like she’s just trying to be me by wearing my old laundry,” she said. “Except my old laundry is my old boyfriend.”
Of course, we merely joked that the friend wanted to be her, but the engagement news still hit her hard. She was more on edge than usual and seemed altogether troubled. In the same case as my carpool partner, she no longer wants her ex-boyfriend, but when it comes to him being with someone else and especially someone she knows, it angers and upsets her. In fact, she stated that this ex-boyfriend and ex-friend used to despise each other with the ex-friend even telling her to break up with the bum.
So, when does it move into crazy-ex territory — when he or she starts dating a former or current friend? Is it your ex’s fault or is it the friend’s? How long after is it acceptable for a friend to date another’s ex? Is it ever acceptable?
I would say it matters depending on the situation and how it is handled. Though both of my friends and I (though my anger seems pretty residual because, really, this boy and I did not have much in common and the relationship did not last long) were upset to hear someone we knew dated someone we used to date For all three of us, it has been some time since that relationship went stale.
And even when it happens right afterward, the extent of emotional damage done by the break-up as well as the extent of attachment in the relationship must be considered. I personally would not date any of my friend’s exes, but my friends and I have incredibly dissimilar taste. Plus, mean birds often flock together, and I fear the ramifications of dating anyone a friend of mine has also dated. Still, love happens sometimes even in the most inconvenient settings.
So, perhaps take a good, introspective look before dating a friend’s ex. Your friend may react violently, so consider all ramifications. Also, perhaps hide any weapons your friend might have in their possession just in case.