Ryan ChartrandIt’s 1 a.m. on a Friday night. You are down $40 in drinks and for some reason none of those good-looking girls are talking to you beyond saying “thank you” for the free drink. Even the Uggo’s sporting their cherry blossom humper sticker are not going to let you inside them. If this sounds familiar, and the tips you’ve gathered from articles such as the Gonzo edition’s “Graig explains pussy” aren’t helping, then it’s time you get yourself a wingman.
A wingman is your one-way ticket to Vagina Country. Now, before you grab your best friend and run downtown, you need to know the facts about wingmaning.
First of all, we need to cover the three possible wingman formations: guy/guy, guy/girl, and girl/girl. Guy/guy is the most common in the wingman scene; an oldie but goodie for sure. Guy/girl is the least common, though easily the most potent and successful. Finally, girl/girl is either the perfect match for a guy/guy formation, or its most vicious enemy.
In order to have a successful guy/guy team, you really need to set some rules. First of all, “wingmaning” is a gentleman’s title and should be treated as such. That means following a strict code of ethics – a bro code. Never take attention away from your wingman; never make yourself look better than your wingman, never leave your wingman unless doing so will seal the deal, and never, ever cock block your wingman. Always laugh at his jokes, always go along with his stories even if they never happened, and provide strong moral support if a strikeout occurs – which will happen.
The guy/girl formation is destined from birth to succeed. As if written in the stars by an ancient prophecy, they will lead the army of your seed on a blitzkrieg of vaginal conquest. The girl wingman is obviously the crucial component. Not only will she help you scope potential females who are in your league, but she will provide instant credibility. She may approach any girl and with a simple, “I love your clutch, where did you get that?” – you’re in like Flynn. They know what girls want to hear and can help direct your conversation into realms that you would need a map to traverse otherwise. This may also be a great way to turn that recent “Friend Zone” into a powerful ally in Operation Dick Wet. Now that’s turning a frown upside down.
Lastly, the most elusive to understand is the girl/girl formation. If you encounter this duo, here are a few things you should keep in mind. There are two different girl/girl formation functions: defense, or sluts. The defense function is pretty straight forward. They are watching each others’ backs. Making sure they aren’t two seconds away from a roofie-colada, ready to retreat using the bathroom tactic at a moments notice. Also working as each others’ eyes, they are keeping a close watch on any guy talking to their friends, waiting like the third base coach to tell them whether they should take it home. Then there are the sluts. This is a perfect match for the guy/guy formation. These girls are out to get wasted and don’t have to pay a cent to do so. A few AMF’s and a Long Island, and you’re one high five away from a job well done.
Wingmen are the Goose to your Maverick, without the dying; they are the “wind beneath your wings.” So there your have it, your wingman survival guide. Remember kids, there is no “I” in team, but there is a “u” in pussy.
Disclaimer: Wingmaning is not a science, it’s an art.
Jessica Ford is a journalism senior and Elizabeth Yi is an animal science senior. Ford and Yi are the love, sex and dating columnists and can be contacted at thenakedtruthcolumn@gmail.com.
Michael Tappan contributed to this article.