Lee: Hey Sean, hand me some of that food, now.
Sean: We’re in a fucking Albertson’s, Lee. Point at exactly what food you want, for Goddamned sake.
Lee: Just, um, toss me some of those cans.
Sean: Jesus Henry Christ, Lee. Canned fruit? Soup? Natty Light? What do you mean?
Lee: Nah, screw it. I’m over cans. Let’s move on to the box section.
Sean: Now hold on for just a damn second, Lee! You’re annoying me with your generalizations. You be specific this instant or it’s back in the Volkswagen with you!
Lee: Stop your emoting, guy. I thought people like you love generalizations, being white and all. Generalizing takes all the thinking out of the thought process. Now go get me some dairy products.
Sean: OK, asshole. I’m going to fill your cart to the brim with every dairy product this Albertson’s has. Don’t you see how simple conversations and situations get way out of hand when you generalize? It’s confusing; people will hate you and you’ll never be satisfied with what you eventually end up getting. Here, practice: what am I holding in my arms right now?
Lee: A human.
Sean: Wrong. I am holding that frightened lady’s screaming infant son. Without being specific, I’ll never know who to return this baby to.
Lee: All right, you have a point, but sometimes you have to generalize. Like when you’re too lazy, busy or stupid to come up with something precise to say. If we didn’t generalize, idiots would never have anything to say. They’d have to think about what they’re about to say before saying it. They’d be censoring themselves. And all censorship is wrong.
Sean: F*!K that s?*t, you dirty w#ore. Generalizations should be censored! Say you want to fight an Irishman; you need to be specific about which bald, drunk Irish man you mean. Otherwise, you’ll end up fighting the entire male population of Ireland. By the way, we should pick up some Guinness. Sweet, sweet Guinness.
Lee: Aha! You just generalized Irish men as bald drunkards! See how easy that was? And yes, we need beer. Like I was saying, making claims about huge amounts of people is very time-efficient. If Congress didn’t generalize and grant freedom of speech to every American citizen in the Bill of Rights and instead had to pass a measure for every individual citizen, they’d have no more time left over to make passes at interns and stuff. Don’t be a congressional cock-block.
Sean: Aha! You just used a specific example to prove a point! And I completely agree with you. Now, if you continue to avoid generalizations, no one will be offended with what you say. People won’t feel like they’ve wasted their time listening to you, and you won’t be viewed by most of the campus as just another white bigot. See? Don’t generalize people and they won’t generalize you in return.
Lee: Hmm. I see how good I made my argument by being specific. I do believe you’ve swayed me over to your side! Generalizations are just abstract bullshit that fools use to try to feel clever.
Sean: You’ve just generalized generalizations.
Lee: (head explodes)
Sean: Oh dear, you’ve gotten the Guinness all bloody.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.