Who should factor into decisions?

Journey back with me a few years to that volatile period of existence called adolescence. (It won’t take long, I promise!) As teenagers, we made an effort to make our own decisions in the face of a throng of influences that tried to tell us what to do.

It was one of many battles that raged on: the conflict between the professed “I don’t care what people think” attitude, and the internal anxiety that agonizes over exactly that which others think.

In high school it took form mostly in fashion. Some tried to pull off the just-rolled-out-of-bed-and-dragged-myself-to-school (OK-my-mom-dragged-me) look. Somehow, the fact that their hair was perfectly spritzed into a messy nest atop their heads over layers of glittery eyeshadow compromised that look’s authenticity.

Others went for the all-black trenchcoat-and-steel-toed-boots ensemble, rain or blistering 95-degree shine. (I’m sure they “didn’t care.” And I’m sure – despite the other leather-clad kids in the group – they came up with that fashion statement all on their own.)

To some extent, we’ve carried remnants of that conflict into college. Hopefully, we’ve made the decision to obsess no longer about superficial things, despite others’ judgment (hence, we actually do roll out of bed and go to class; let the hair do what it will).

Now, we face the struggle to find a balance between the desire to be autonomous, decision-making individuals and the reality of how our decisions affect others in our lives.

Though we like to see ourselves as independent and self-sufficient, the opinions of our family, friends, acquaintances – and especially our significant others – matter immensely to us.

But, how much should they matter? Should we make decisions based on our boyfriends/girlfriends?

If your friendly neighborhood romantic says, “love conquers all,” I guess it means that if you’re really in love, you should do everything in your power to preserve that love.

But if he/she says, “follow your heart,” and your heart is pulling you in a direction contrary to the one your “true love” wants you to go – then what do you do?

Obviously, it’s a different matter for long-term couples (married, affianced, or getting there) than it is for, say, a couple who met a month ago and are contemplating how to schedule next quarter’s classes around each other.

We’re approaching a time when big life decisions loom. Where to study abroad? What to do after college? Grad school or the work force? How to survive?

These questions become exponentially harder to answer when your significant other’s idea of the future isn’t aligned with, or even adjustable to, yours. Your dreams may put you in a different place and lifestyle than his/hers.

Say you defer (or relinquish) your dream of working in a bustling, vibrant city in order to follow your sweetheart, where he/she will be working on a higher degree in a considerably less-bustling town in hopes of landing a job at the firm where he/she is interning.

Best-case scenario: you find a job you love in the area, you grow fond of the town, and you have your sweetheart and your security. Mediocre scenario: you find a job you can tolerate, the area’s more-or-less OK, and you’re with your sweetheart.

Worst-case scenario: you can’t find a job, you feel isolated and bored, and you can’t help but harbor some resentment toward your sweetheart for making you give up your dream and taking you away from the place you wanted to be all along.

The truth is, it’s up to you to decide: to go for your dreams at the expense of your relationship; to protect your relationship at the cost of your dreams; or to take what is possibly the hardest (but not impossible) road, to try to compromise and see if having both is possible.

When you feel as though just basking in your partner’s presence makes you and the rest of your world better, it’s easy to make the mistake of pinning your life satisfaction on your partner. But ultimately, there is only one person responsible for your happiness, and that is YOU.

Being dependent on someone for your life’s fulfillment puts enormous pressure on that someone. We can’t realistically expect someone else to drop everything and cater to our every need.

However, making someone else responsible for your dissatisfaction isn’t an alternative. We can’t realistically expect to drop everything, cater to someone else’s every need, and be mindlessly joyful doing so.

As a romantic, I can certainly see the reasoning behind the “love conquers all” point of view. In this case, it’s not about the hard-core practicality of reason; it’s about having faith and trust that the relationship will see you through the tough times.

We face a paradox: we’re choosing between what’s best for us now (which could be worse later) and what will be best for us in the long run (which may be worse now).

But we’re also facing potential: the chance to take a leap of faith, to snatch an opportunity, to make a definitive decision about the direction we want our lives to take.

There isn’t one solution to apply to every relationship. It’s not necessarily always, and doesn’t have to be, a choice between one or the other. In the end, it’s up to YOU to decide what’s best, and what will be best, for you.

Sarah Carbonel is an English and psychology junior and Mustang Daily dating columnist.