Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke“Two Classy Gents” is a humor column.
Chuck-chuck-bo-buck, fanana-fanna-fo. . .we all know how this little children’s ditty ends. As you may or may not know, faithful Mustang Daily reader, the current Ultimate Fighting Championship titleholder is Chuck Liddell – local celebrity and enormous woman. For those not familiar with the sport, a typical UFC match features two burly competitors battling in an octagon-shaped ring until one is either choked out or viciously insulted. To illustrate in SAT format, Chuck Liddell is to the UFC as Barbara Streisand is to music: embarrassing. The Two Classy Gents have no other option but to call Chuck Liddell out.
Through the history of time, all warriors punching each other in the face for a living have been incredibly well-rounded people. We Googled Chuck Liddell’s resume, and found that not only did he not make it to the seventh grade of Montessori, but he was forced out after fighting a grizzly-looking female on the basketball team, only to lose. Banished and embarrassed, Liddell sought refuge in the only thing he loved – octagon-shaped things.
We won’t get into all the matches he “won,” and the many belts he’s “earned” through years of arduous battle. We want to focus on all the charities he didn’t donate to. How can you not donate to the Ronald McDonald House charity, or the Wayne Gretzky “I Suck At Life” Foundation?
As Liddell parades around town in his UFC-customized Hummer, he is single-handedly responsible for sponsoring terrorist organizations like Halliburton and Chevron. If he was an environmentally conscious individual and not a drooling baby in a Power Wheels, he could save money. There are hybrid vehicles out there Chuck, and you’re blatantly ignoring the way of the future.
Since everyone in San Luis Obispo has marked their name/fraternity on the walls of Gum Alley, we have concrete evidence of who has never been there. Chuck Liddell has never been to Gum Alley. How can you call yourself a citizen of San Luis Obispo if you’ve never taken the spearmint out of your mouth and placed your name in the annals of history?
You might ask why we’re calling out a man who is 6’2″ and 204 pounds of solid muscle. Combined, the Two Classy Gents weigh 360 pounds and stand at 11’6″. If we hid in a giant overcoat, this trick would probably fool a Neanderthal such as Liddell. If not, the combination of a 1013 hPa barometer reading and 32 percent humidity, along with a northeasterly wind current and the presence of the Aurora Borealis, would make Liddell spontaneously combust, and then we could totally take him.
At the end of every column, we will be chronicling the week’s current events. Specifically, we will give you a classy event and an uncouth faux-pas in the prior week. This is to keep you, the faithful Mustang Daily reader, tuned in on your classiness radio and provide you with some water-cooler fodder.
Classy: A natural disaster not happening this week. Thanks this time, Earth!
Uncouth: The Two Classy Gents failing to solve today’s crossword puzzle, despite it being a momentous day for classiness.
Douglas Bruzzone and Mike Matzke are Two Classy Gents, whose humor column will appear every Friday. The opinions expressed in Two Classy Gents are not those of the Mustang Daily, neither are they to be taken seriously.