Wait, OJ killed someone?

When did that happen? 1995? Are you serious? Oh, you’re dead serious? Is that a pun? Alright Mr. Funny Guy, stop joking around. It’s really not funny anymore. You’re talking about our hero here. We don’t make Jesus jokes to your face. OK, that one time. But we didn’t know if you were Christian and we had to find out.

Are we talking about the same OJ? He was on the Bills, right? Yeah, he used to slash through defensive backs mercilessly. He even has a Heisman Trophy from his days at USC. This guy ruled at football! Not only that, but he was a great actor. He was the first real triple threat. Think about it: Acting, football and wait, we have to think of a third way in which he’s a threat. Maybe, like, being cool all the time. 24/7 baby!

You don’t believe us now? Well, looks like the tables have turned, my friend. Perhaps you recall a little film called “Naked Gun 33 1/3,” or another blockbuster called “That Hertz Commercial.” There’s lots you don’t know about OJ, my friend. Do you know his favorite color? It’s red. Blood red.

Wait, his real first name is Orenthal? What a stupid name. We thought he was named after juice, which is why his nickname was The Juice.

OK, so who did he kill? No way. NO WAY. I thought OJ and Nicole were the next Nick and Jessica. Wait, not only did Nick and Jessica break up, but OJ killed his wife? You’re shattering our sense of reality. I’m sure your next piece of gossip is gonna be that Brad and Jen broke up. Psshhh, whatever.

And there was ANOTHER dude? So this means Nicole was probably cheating on OJ Simpson, Heisman Trophy winner. Wow, we’re really just stunned right now. Let’s pull this up on Google. (Humming and typing) See!? We knew he didn’t kill anyone! It says it right here, “Not Guilty.” How do you counter that doozy?

HE TRIED RUNNING AWAY IN A BRONCO? Shut the %&*@ up! The gas mileage is awful on that vehicle. He couldn’t even get to Atascadero from here.

And now you’re saying he threw away his own bloody glove at the crime scene? OK, I see two major problems with that piece of information. First off, gloves are very useful for many household chores, so why would you throw one away? Second, if you felt you had to throw away a glove, wouldn’t you throw away the glove it came with too? It’s just common sense.

Wait, then what? What’s a civil case? They can’t do that! What more information could they pull up? They already had a frickin’ case! And they took away his possessions and sold his Heisman Trophy to some jerkoff from the Valley? How dare they!

Oh, well, thank God he’s not in jail. Let’s see what he’s up to now. We’ll just Facebook him. (Humming and typing.) Oh, he’s a grad student at North Carolina State. Let’s look under interests. Well, well. “Finding the real killers.” We told you! GAME OVER.

 

Classy: Norm MacDonald, for keeping alive the OJ joke tradition.

Uncouth: Horatio Sanz, for keeping alive the tradition of ruining sketch comedy.

 

Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are two classy gents and Mustang Daily columnists.