Vampires: Perverts or Italians?

Lee: Hey Sean, what do you want to write about this week?

Sean: Ooh, I’ve been thinking about this one all morning. What’s a better breakfast: cereal or cappuccino with a shot of J„ger and a side of cigarette?

Lee: Stupid. Let’s just keep it topical. Halloween’s this week. Let’s do something about that.

Sean: Booyah. Like what’s a better treat to receive: good ol’ candy corn, or a nickel?

Lee: Obviously a nickel is better. There’s no debate there. I’d pay someone a nickel to not have to eat candy corn. Here’s a classic Halloween debate. Vampires: perverts or Italians?

Sean: I’m 25 percent offended at that joke. You know my grandfather’s a pervert. What’s in the news? Oh, here we go: Now that North Korea’s disarmed its nuclear weapons, who’s gonna be the new third member of the “Axis of Evil”?

Lee: Everyone knows it’s gonna be Hawaii. Just sitting out there, plotting, tanning, drinking blood. I don’t trust ’em. Here’s some recent news: Alex Rodriguez opted out of his contract this week. Will his new contract net him more money than his home country’s GDP?

Sean: He’s from America, you idiot. Here’s a gold mine. Which is more livable, Los Angeles or a snake pit?

Lee: Don’t be silly, Sean. That completely depends on what kind of snake. Check out this one. What’s more pointless: shoes or water?

Sean: Naw, man. I gotta have my Pumas. I’ll just suck oranges for the rest of my life.

Lee: You’ll probably suck at debating for the rest of your life, too. Shoes are completely unnecessary. Fool.

Sean: All right, take a swing at this one. What would make a better pet: a hamster or baby human?

Lee: Inhumane. Let’s just debate about who’s more badass: Bruce Willis, or The Wiggles?

Sean: Come on, man. Hamsters or babies? I’m looking to get my cousin Lucas something for his fifth birthday. Plus, everyone knows Bruce Willis would use the corpses of The Wiggles to polish his bald, manly head. There’s no debate there.

Lee: I think there’s a pretty good debate to be had. How much guts does it take to be onstage making a fool out of yourself? The Wiggles are totally badass. But are you serious about that hamster thing? We can’t write about babies being pets without pissing off all the child development majors at this school. Those chicks are hot.

Sean: Isn’t having a child a prerequisite for that major? Why would you date one of them? You’d be walking into a relationship with a permanent third wheel.

Lee: Child development majors: if Sean just offended you, please send us an e-mail at TitsforTats@gmail.com. Seriously. We’ve had that address for more than a month now and we haven’t received a single e-mail yet. It’s starting to become expensive. Anyway, Sean … I’d have to say that babies and hamsters both make pretty lousy pets. I wouldn’t want to pick a side on that. That would be like debating who is more popular: Ted Bundy or a computer science major?

Sean: Computer science majors: if Lee just offended you, please send us an e-mail at TitsforTats@gmail.com. We know you will.

Lee: Anyhow, I think the Willis-Wiggles debate could be one for the ages. Did you know the Wiggles do cocaine before each performance? Meanwhile, Bruce Willis owns a cat. There’s a lot to take into consideration, here. Do you think Willis could take all four Wiggles in a fight? I’m not sure, but the world will never know if we don’t argue about it.

Sean: All right, fine. We’ll debate about that. But I don’t have time to argue with you this week; I have an appointment at the baby farm. I think I’ll get a blonde one. Lucas likes ’em blonde.

Lee: All right, fine. Next week: Bruce Willis vs. The Wiggles. Tell Lucas he still owes me a beer.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.