Somehow, I got it in my mind that hairless was hot. Three million porn stars couldn’t all be wrong when it comes to sexy. Sexy is, after all, their job. Also, I heard what seems like hundreds of claims that “shaving makes it look bigger.” So when my boyfriend was returning after the long absence of summer break, and my budget didn’t allow for edible body chocolate, I decided to shave it off.
The decision wasn’t exactly sudden, as I had been toying with the idea for weeks. I had wondered what it would be like. I read everything I could find online on the topic, and to this day, Google still helpfully suggests “shaved pubic area pictures” and “shave pubic hair” when I type in “shave.” This is why you don’t allow your family to use your laptop on vacation. Murphy’s Law.
On the day I finally decided to act, I had just removed the week’s wispy stubble, and was reflecting on how uninteresting my life had been recently. Luckily for my razor, I used my handy scissors to do some preliminary trimming before wholeheartedly making my life much less boring. Following the online advice, I was using a manual razor, so it was necessary to wash the hair out every quarter-sized patch or so. In addition, I had no elaborate mirror system, so I decided against shaving some of my more inaccessible (and tender) parts.
To cut a long story short, I was eventually able to see skin I hadn’t seen clearly since junior high. It was, I confess, excitingly soft and smooth, reminiscent of shaved legs (it was for a swim meet, if you were wondering). With every step I took, my undergarments rubbed my bare genitals pleasurably. I wasn’t spontaneously orgasming in class, but it wasn’t a bad feeling at all.
They say that when you throw yourself off of the top floor of the library, it’s not the fall that kills you, it’s the landing. Similarly, shaving was not painful at all (I was sure to use extra care in the scrotal area and miraculously did not sustain any cuts). However, a few days later, hair began to do what it does best — grow back. For those of you who never had a stubbly uncle who gives awkwardly intimate hugs, unlike the soft, silky locks on your head, stubble sticks out of the skin like tiny needles. Imagine applying these needles straight to your now-vulnerable tender bits and rubbing vigorously. For people re-growing their pubes, this can be accomplished by walking, making the purchase of any sort of torture device unnecessary. One is growing out of your skin.
It was of course at this point, after the honeymoon period, that I realized that fate was adding insult to my injury. While before I had associated shaved pubes with porn stars, looking upon myself now, I was reminded instead of the two other sorts of habitually hairless people: the pre-pubescent and chemotherapy patients. Neither of these are people I enjoy being mistaken for, and I personally found it a huge turnoff. I was not able to get a straight opinion out of my boyfriend, as he is not only naturally indecisive but smart, as everyone knows that you do not criticize something unchangeable, like your friend’s new pixie cut or your mom’s boob job. However, he did admit that the stubble was not exactly starlight against his skin either.
A few weeks of pain later, I found that life had improved. I had learned that I never wanted to shave again, unless I was going to commit to being permanently bald. I would imagine that this situation would be reasonable, assuming you enjoyed your genitals in that state. I did learn that it is true that shorter hair does in fact “make it look bigger,” possibly even more so than the absence of hair at all.
So, with the benefit of hindsight, I would not recommend clear-cutting your jungle, but trimming the bushes never hurt (and I mean that word literally) anyone.
All questions or suggestions for future columns are welcome at arust@calpoly.edu