Lauren RabainoLee Barats: Yes, emphysema shmemphysema
Ever since you were in elementary school, The Man has kept you from having a good time. He wouldn’t let you gamble, swear or punch others. My school district even banned Surge cola to keep the kids from “feeling the rush.” My point is you’ve been told that things are bad from a young age and you’ve accepted this as the truth without even questioning it. But look at me today; I’m a potty-mouthed hothead with a gambling problem. And I couldn’t be happier. That’s why you should smoke.
“But Lee,” you might whine in an annoyingly shrill voice, “what does smoking have to do with all that?” Think about it, idiot. Remember Sammy the No-Smoking Snake? That was just The Man in a python costume planting propaganda in your ear. His only aim was to keep you from enjoying cigarettes, just like he didn’t want you to cuss, bet and stab.
“But Lee,” you might bitch, “cigarettes are bad for you. It’s a proven medical fact.” Is that what The Man told you, sheep? People get too hung-up on health risks. Isn’t there more to life than your physical well-being, like feeling good all the time? Cigarettes look cool, they’re relaxing, and you get to play with fire. Sounds like a good time to me. I don’t know how looking cool, relieving stress, and having fun would be “bad for you.” Relieving stress is good for your health. Also, when my uncle stopped smoking, he immediately gained 10 pounds. That’s not good for you. Smoking is good for you.
Health benefits aside, smoking comes with even more perks. If you pick up smoking, you can gain access to those prestigious “Smoking Only” hotel rooms and those cool all-glass rooms in airports. And here’s a question: ever worked with someone who smokes? They get to take at least three times as many breaks as you! Is it fair? No. But is it something you can do, too? You betcha! You’ll make the same amount and work less, but that’s not the only financial benefit of smoking. Statistics show that smokers are more likely to qualify for welfare, medical insurance payouts and scratch-off lottery ticket wins. You’d be an economic dumbass not to smoke!
Next time people say you your lungs are black, your eyes are red and your teeth are yellow, know that they’re probably just jealous of how cool and rich you are. Do yourself a favor and take up smoking.
Sean Michetti: No, surgeon general bless the surgeon general
Everyone who grows up to be anyone can point to a mentor who helped lead them along the treacherous, rocky path that is our lives. Teachers, rock gods, movies stars and military generals are some of the models we fashion our lives after.
For me, it’s the surgeon general. I’ve always had a fetish for doctors; maybe it’s their lab coats. The S.G. is the god of doctors, thus making him/her my God.
Since 1970, the S.G. has declared that smoking is dangerous to your health. However, that message is printed on the side of a cigarette pack, which is seen only AFTER the purchase. So I will continue the S.G.’s saintly work and give you three solid reasons – BEFORE you buy the pack – that smoking is indeed bad for you.
First, what is a basic and terrifying ingredient in cigarettes? Tar. You only have to travel to Los Angeles and visit the La Brea Tar Pits to realize tar is a killer. Dinosaurs tried the tar and were literally stuck on the stuff. If their massive bodies couldn’t muster the strength to climb from the pits, how can you expect your 150-pound body to unhook itself from the smothering tar? You won’t be able to.
More importantly, secondhand smoke is terrible for your social life. Mr. Lee Barats will lie to your face and try and convince you that smoking gives you get access to more exclusive places. In reality, smokers are just quarantined in small areas so they can’t harm us. Ask yourself this: who else was quarantined like that? E.T. And the only friend E.T. had was 10-year old Elliot. If children are the type of friends you want, then just join a seminary.
Finally, cigarettes make your teeth look as crummy as a pirate’s. Why would you want to look like you’d just raped and pillaged a village? The facts are that the opposite sex is attracted to you first by: A. Your body, B. Your car, C. Your wedding ring, D. Your intelligence, and E. Your smile. How can you actively destroy the fifth-best thing about yourself? That would be like Vishnu cutting off one of her arms!
Don’t smoke. It’s not good for you. The surgeon general says so. The Marlboro man came out and said so. If Joe Camel could speak, he’d even say it’s bad, but he can’t because he had a botched laryngectomy.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.