Ryan Chartrand1. The first rule of oral is you do not talk about oral.
2. The second rule of oral is you DO NOT talk about oral.
That is, except for me. I will take on the role of Tyler Durden, the oh-so-muscular character portrayed by Brad Pitt in the movie “Fight Club.” I will make this sacrifice for all of you, taking on the role of the crazy, testosterone-driven person that will tell you all the rules (but we’ll exchange the testosterone to estrogen just to make me feel better). Only in this case, they will not be the rules of a secret underground fight club, but of another secret action: oral sex.
Though one of the most common sexual acts of today’s generation, it is one that is rarely talked about. Sure, you hear about the great sexual rendezvous of your roommate, and the conquests that she or he was capable of over the time period of a few short drunken hours this past weekend. But instead of hearing, “You’ll never guess who I banged last night,” when was the last time someone came out and said, “You’ll never guess who I went down on last night”?
Please forgive me if I have unconsciously seared into your mind the picture of your roommate giving oral sex to. well, anyone. I do believe, however, that although you may not want to picture your roomie partaking in fellatio, you do love them enough to want them to be happy and satisfied.
Last week I discussed how important novelty is to relationships, using examples of different locations in order to spice things up to keep your libido flowing. Oral sex is another way in which to put some satisfaction and pleasure back into your time together.
Some could say that oral sex, whether you’re performing fellatio or cunnilingus, is more of an art form. My opinion, however, is that it is a skill that is either natural or developed through practice. And once this is achieved, I’m pretty sure your partner will not be laying back thinking about how many partners it took to get you to that level of expertise, but only that the experience is unbelievably mind-blowing (no pun intended).
For those of you entrusted to the task of pleasuring a man, take into account the wise words of a sexuality class professor: “I don’t know why they call it a blow job. Men don’t like it being blown on. It’s not a saxophone.” In fact, you’d be more on the right track to visit 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop” to lick the lollipop. Please don’t take that to mean that I think you should be licking a penis like a lollipop to see how many licks it takes you to get to the center, or until ejaculation in this case. A tongue is a very useful tool to your quest in conjunction with your hand, especially with a focus on the glans (tip) and/or the shaft. Some possible tips to use are the figure 8 with your tongue, going up and down simultaneously with your hand, or even a little symbolic suck on his finger to make him start thinking about it. Make sure to avoid using your teeth, as the idea of biting his member off is not something he probably wants to be worrying about.
Men or women, whoever get the pleasure of pleasuring a woman- I’m going to let you in on a little secret: It’s called the clitoris. It’s the only organ, male or female, whose only function is pleasure. And men, while you may be initially upset that you don’t also have a solely for pleasure center in your body, remember that you just found out the super-duper undercover location that is women’s sexual bliss. In fact, clitoral stimulation is the easiest and most common way for a woman to orgasm. For today’s lesson, the best combination is manual and oral stimulation, using your tongue to stimulate the clitoris by licking, thrusting, sucking, etc.
I’m sure even Brad Pitt would forgive me for breaking the rules of silence to try to rid the world of this horrible stigma. Oral sex should not be something that people are ashamed to talk about. Whomever you choose to have sex with, it is important to communicate about what it is that you want, because your partner is not a mind reader. Even just a moan every now and again could help to lead them in the right direction for what feels best for you. Items such as latex dental dams (to use on women), condoms (to use on men), and lubricant can be used to make this sexual experience both safer and more flavorful. And as it is the month of Halloween, don’t be afraid to enjoy something sweet that will melt in your mouth and not in your hands.
Speaking of being a little freaky this fall, Peer Health Education, also referred to as P.U.L.S.E. (Peers Understanding Listening Speaking Educating) will be holding their annual event, “Freaky Fall,” next Tuesday, Oct. 21, from 10-2 p.m. in the University Union and on Mott Lawn. There will be a chance to play games, win candy and free condoms and lube, etc., with the opportunity to win bigger prizes, if you fill out your treasure map, and to buy shirts supporting Peer Health.
We look forward to seeing you there! Keep safe in your efforts to find your inner freak; I have faith in you, even if you are unable to talk about it.
Melissa Norman is a psychology senior and Mustang Daily sex columnist. You can contact her at CPbetweenthesheets@gmail.com.