The Cal Poly "P" fed up with conditions in workplace

Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.

SAN LUIS OBISPO – The infamous poured concrete “P,” who has worked in the hills behind the dormitories for more than 60 years, declared in a public statement today that he is “fed up” with the conditions in his workplace, warning that if things don’t improve soon, he might rather be “carved into headstones and sold.”

“My job used to be simple. I’d hang out in the hills all day and remind everyone on campus of how spirited and fun a place it was. But that all stopped in the 2000s, probably in large part due to the psychosomatic effects of all that crappy 80s children’s television programming, like ‘Saved by the Bell’ and ‘Wild and Crazy Kids,'” the P said.

Pranks played on the P in the past include being draped with sheets to appear as Greek letters or sometimes obscene images, as well as being painted different colors by rivaling advocacy groups. In a quick survey, it was approximated that at least one out of five Poly students have peed on the P.

“Imagine waking up in the morning and finding a giant rainbow tattooed on your ass. Sure, that could happen if you go out drinking to the point of memory loss, but for going to bed at a decent hour on a weeknight, it’s a pretty shitty way to wake up. And do I like being splattered in hot, salty yellow urine? No, especially when I only get to take showers when mother nature is kind enough to make it rain.”

The P’s spot on the hillside overlooks the Cal Poly campus and is a favorite destination for short hikes by students.

“Was it in my job description to be used as a bench? No. Do I like it when students march half a mile up my hill to plant their sweaty swamp-asses on my back? No. Do I like it when young couples steal away to my spot to make out on top of me? Maybe. But I sure don’t like those first two things. I especially hate being covered in broken glass bottles and vomit. Fraternity members, please find another location to conduct your illegal hazing.”

The P has been repaired in the past due to its gradual sliding down off the hillside.

“It’s like when you go camping and accidentally pitch your tent on a slanted hillside,” the P said.

“You realize it’s uncomfortable when the blood pools at one end of your body after a few minutes, so you move your tent. Well, I don’t have a tent, and I’ve been in the same uncomfortable position my entire life. The only time I get to stretch is during earthquakes, so long as they don’t split me in half along my torso.”

The P said he frequently fantasizes about finding a different spot to work in.

“Why can’t I work down by the Rec Center, with my friend Olympic Pool? Man, he has it good, getting cleaned regularly and hanging out with all those beach bunnies bouncing around in their bikinis. If anyone tries to pee in him, his water turns purple and that person gets caught and dealt with. Not like all the drunks that think I’m a giant concrete urinal. And up here at my place, I have to listen to those blasted horses one hill over, running around and whinnying like it was the end of the world. I’ll guess I’ll look into forming some sort of union.”