Smiling is key to success in Thailand

Thailand is a tolerant country. Homosexuals and transvestites are just as accepted as anyone else. What little hostility exists in this country is largely directed towards blacks. However, progress is being made. There is a distant glimmer of hope for blacks in Thailand. Like a desert oasis to a parched nomad, racial tolerance is just over the horizon. There is a symbol of optimism and an embodiment of tolerance and progression.

His name is Eldrick “Tiger” Woods. Part black and part Thai, Tiger Woods stands at the cusp of the tolerance curve. Like a lone buoy in an expansive ocean, Woods is a marker of hope. He is a symbol of the fading hostility that Thais have for blacks.

Yes, there is some deeply rooted racial tension, specifically from prostitutes, but blacks seem to be tolerated to a degree. The prostitutes push them away, possibly out of ignorance that their illegitimate child with a black person could someday become an international icon. Despite the superficial hostility shown by prostitutes, many higher-class Thais are taking steps towards complete tolerance of blacks, going so far as to talk to them in restaurants.

How does Tiger Woods exist? The answer, of course, is racial tolerance. It’s out there. I can feel it.

There are no other exterior character flaws in Thai culture. The rest is all happiness. The default emotion is happiness. The default relationship is friendship. The default expression is a smile. It’s impossible to make Thais angry, impossible to make them falter in their mastery of conversation. How old are you? Where are you from? Why aren’t you married? There is no privacy, no clandestinity in Thai conversation. It’s a good thing only the most conditioned of English speakers can understand you. We really have no hope of being understood. Ask for a Tom Collins, get orange juice; ask for a soda, get a beer. I see where the confusion lies.

The same goes for us. The language barrier is absolute. I appreciate the effort, really, but their English is just terrible. Do not believe the signs on the taxi’s window that says the driver can speak English. Do not believe their lies.

Chaffikkam. “Traffic jam.”

Wan, tew, PHOE! “One, two, three.”

YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU YOU! “Wait a minute, may I see that again?”

Hello! Lady? Boomboom. Ping-pong show HELLO! “Would you like a prostitute, or perhaps a … ping-pong show?”

And those are just the examples that I may or may not have made up. On nearly every taxi ride back to the hotel, the driver will look at the address I gave him and proceed to ask me how to get there. The only response that makes any sense is, “Sorry, but I have no idea what you’re saying. Arun Amarin road. That’s the street. Arun Amarin road.” The sense of bewilderment as to what the hell I just said gets more rewarding every time.

The language barrier sometimes works in our favor. We can say whatever we want. “This guy smells really bad,” a friend of mine remarked while we were riding the sky train. “Who does?” I ask. “This guy. This guy right here.”

Freely making audible observations of the people around us is not the only time our freedom of speech is put to use. It can also come in handy when loudly proclaiming how much you want to chili dog the girl sitting on your lap, or demanding that your friend motorboat the girl sitting on his. You may politely tell the street hawker who is trying to rip you off to climb a pole and sit on it, as long as you do it politely. You can say anything to anyone, as long as you do it with a smile.

Smiling is the key to success in Thailand. They smile when they are happy, they smile when they are sad, they smile when they are trying to rip you off. They do not, however, smile when you smell bad. The Thais hate how we smell. Everybody hates how foreigners smell, regardless of where you are. It is fortunate that I don’t care. I am sure I smell terrible.

The end of the trip is near. Closer than I would like it to be. Not once in the past two months have I been bored. I met some cool people and did some cool stuff. I saw awesome sights and ate awesome food. It was, in every sense of the word, epic. It’s too bad the king is such a douche.