Lauren RabainoHuh-ha-huh-ha-ha-ha! Well, I’m the master of this trend-crackin’ game. You can call me The King, but Brian’s my name. I’m so damn fresh and I’m always on track. Now listen up close ’cause the ’80s are back.
This is the column I’ve wanted to write since I began this whole TRENDASAURUS business in the fall. It’s just such a huge trend that it took me a while to really get a grasp of what I wanted to say. I’m talkin’ about the ’80s, baby . for all my ’80s babies.
Like sea turtles who embark on an epic journey to the place they were born, we double back to the decade in which we were born – unless you are a super-duper senior or a faculty member, that is.
We’ve got a new version “Knight Rider” on television (sadly, it’s sans-Hasselhoff). The A-Team is making a big-screen comeback with Ice Cube playing Mr. T’s character. And “American Gladiators” just wrapped up its new season. Our generation is utterly infatuated with the ’80s right now. But check it – we’re too picky!
It seems we like our hip-hop and R&B is laced with ’80s-style drums and synthesizers, and even ’80s lyrics (isn’t it sad that Rihanna’s new song is just a techno remix of “Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin” by Michael Jackson?), but what about the other genres?
Why have big-hair bands not come back yet? We’ve got My Chemical Romance wearing makeup and singing really depressing songs; why can’t we have some ’80s-style party animals rockin’ some eye shadow and pink leopard-print tights, kickin’ ass with crazy guitar solos and doing love ballads to groupies?
(If someone from KCPR reads this, please point me to a contemporary rock band that doesn’t suck.)
Aside from rock, the biggest thing this trend is lacking is new wave. I could really go for some Duran Duran-style music with today’s synthesizer technology, or some Tears For Fears. If you feel what I’m sayin’, “shout, shout, let it all out.” Amen.
And then there’s the issue of fashion.
The ladies are feelin’ the ’80s. I’ve been seein’ all kinds of tights, even animal print and neon-colored ones. You could almost go straight from school to an ’80s-themed party without even changing. Well, except maybe changing your hair and makeup – that shit was out of control back then.
But fellas, what are we doin’? We’re lookin’ like real chumps right now because we’re behind the curve on the trend. We gotta step up our mustache game for real. Some of the biggest names in ’80s show biz sported a cookie-duster, so why does it have the molester stigma? I say we take back the ‘stache and force sketchy dudes to shave. When you walk around campus and you see bare upper lips, just think of the wasted potential. It should be enough to cause a single tear to roll down your cheek – if it isn’t, maybe you’re not ready for the revolution.
Also, homies, if ladies can wear tights, then we can wear ’80s athletic shorts. No one was ashamed to be hairy in the ’80s, and today all we see are waxed male models. Let your furry legs out of their denim cage. Can you imagine how great it would feel to have the cool ocean breeze swirling through the forest on your thighs as you run along the beach? Ooooh . “heaven is a place on earth.”
So hear me out. Fellas, we have to undo the stigmas and shackles placed on us by modern fashion in order to better follow this new trend. Everybody, let’s demand some good ’80s-style music from all of the genres, especially rock.
Well, a one to the two, a two to the one, goodbye ya’ll. It’s been real fun. When the sun goes down, wear your shades at night, or else the TRENDASAURUS will take a bite.
Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.