Rumor Patrol: We had sex with Nicky Hilton

The Rumor Patrol would like to say one thing: this is definitely not a rumor. The Rumor Patrol definitely had sex with Nicky Hilton. We were there; we saw it. Well, we saw most of it. It was dark and we were occasionally blindfolded. It wasn’t so much that we really wanted to have sex with Nicky Hilton, but we just needed to prove a point. A meaty point!

We want to get things straight with you, faithful Mustang Daily reader. You may not be aware of this, but an important part of being classy involves being sensitive enough to cry at wussy-chick movies. The Two Classy Gents are two of the most sensitive guys out there, along with Dashboard Confessional (We don’t care to know his name) and the Bounty Man. Why do you think his paper towels are so absorbent?

We also can’t stand the world being full of lonely people, and we wanted to do something to help the community out. So when we saw the tremendously rich hotel heiress Nicky Hilton looking down, with no regard for ourselves, we went over to console her.

But also, we needed cash, and fast. The problem with being so sensitive is that it has a direct link to the amount we pay in child support every month, so we decided to make a withdrawal and a deposit at the same time. We knew that the Hiltons were loaded, and not just in venereal disease.

Nicky Hilton sure needed a good dose of “manlove,” and the only way we could perform this procedure was with fireman hats. You might be asking yourself, how did the Two Classy Gents make their way into a room at the Hilton? Well, it went something like this:

TCG: Heeeyyyyyy.

Nicky Hilton: What?

TCG: Don’t be coy.

Nicky Hilton: I’m not coy. I’m dumb.

TCG: Hey, do you have a microwave we can stick these Hot Pockets in?

Nicky Hilton: Mmm, I love meat.

Luckily, there wasn’t much conversation to be had the rest of the night.

Did you say you wanted juicy, sordid details about our hot sex romp? Well, this is a family newspaper, pervert, and there’s probably some innocent freshman who’s never even gotten a blumpkin before. We’re also gentlemen, and although there wasn’t much kissing, we don’t kiss and tell.

In conclusion, the whole experience was about a C+.

Classy: Performing the following maneuvers: The Hot Lunch, The Cold Lunch, The William “The Refrigerator” Perry, The Cleveland Steamer, The Boston Steamer, The Hunter Gatherer, and finally, The Bullwinkle. FYI: These are all different types of yoga stretches, and they are great for the body. Just don’t Google them.

Uncouth: Not making a “Paris Hilton is a slut” joke. Whoops!

 

Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are two classy gents and Mustang Daily columnists.