Ryan ChartrandEditor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO – In an ongoing World War centralized on a Parker Brothers Risk Board amid empty pizza boxes and spent 2-liter bottles of Jolt cola, Green Army Commander Spencer Porter has seized control of 30 of 42 countries, putting victory within sight for the first time in the recent weeks. The war has raged off and on in the players’ free time away from college classes and part-time jobs. Porter, who holds a card set worth thirty reinforcements and maintains control of three of six continents, made clear his intentions of world conquest by blatantly violating the treaties and agreements he had previously been honoring, spurning bitter feelings of betrayal and frustration in the other army leaders.
“Spencer promised not to invade Brazil in exchange for my armies assisting in his invasion of Blue Army’s North Africa, but then the very next turn he stationed all of his reinforcements in Central America and decimated my Venezuelan stronghold in a tornado of treachery and red dice. The treaty was a ruse! If we are able to band together and stop his move for world domination in time, Spencer is going to answer to the bayonets of our troops for being so lame,” declared the Yellow Army Commander.
In the early stages of the “War of 1720,” named after the house number of the coffee table the Risk Board takes up too much space on, Blue Army seemed poised to take the world, but that coup was unexpectedly ended when the house cat “Mittens” scattered the forces stationed in the United States into disarray between game sessions. World leaders were forced to negotiate the provision of additional troops and rearrangements to compensate for the natural disaster, and Blue Army’s commander insists that “he had more pieces before the board was messed up.”
“Meow,” said Mittens, coughing up a particularly odious hairball with the partially digested remnants of several Blue Armies visible within.
“Now that it’s looking like I’m going to win and there’s nothing anyone can do about it, all of a sudden my roommates are suspiciously having a harder time finding free time to advance the progress of the game,” said Porter. “But they’re just delaying the inevitable. I’m going to conquer the world, and when Green Army assumes control, I’m going to make a lot of changes, like for one I’m going to evacuate Greenland and have it ice sculpted into an image of my regal face.”
Red Army’s commander attributed much of the Green Army’s success in the late stages of the war to his “persistent research and development into dice rolling technique, and subsequent ability to roll a lot of sixes.”
Despite being unable to predict when the current game of risk would actually end, all of Green Army’s roommates agreed that, in future games, they are not going to believe a “single word to come out of that (deal-breaking backstabber’s) mouth,” and that additionally Mittens should be locked up in a kennel between sessions of game play.