Ryan ChartrandTo all the readers out there: I have to say I’m hurt.
This weekend, while browsing Craigslist’s Missed Connections, I came across not one, but two posts about Mustang Daily staff.
One specifically mentioned columnist Allison Baker; the other clamed he didn’t even know what the writer looked like, just that her writing was “HOT, HOT, HOT.” Intriguing concept, but unfortunately, the poster was a filthy liar.
When I e-mailed Mr. “I-don’t-know-how-to-spell-drool-correctly” to ask him which faceless staff member stole his heart, he responded that he too was infatuated with Baker, whose articles come with a picture of her printed right next to the text.
Considering this and the fact that I also found a post about my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend (which I highly suspect she wrote herself), I’m a bit bitter.
Why the hell hasn’t a Missed Connection been written about me? I’m not grotesque. Yes, I rarely wear my hair down and prefer sports bras, but I clean up well and I’m friendly. I know I have a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings! Seriously . I have referenced hentai in no fewer than two stories in the last three months, and for that I should at least get the perverted-nerd vote out there in Readerland.
But nope, not a single one was posted about a long-legged, green-eyed, oddball girl usually seen wearing a kid-sized Coachella sweatshirt and purple glasses. Just break my heart, anonymous potential stalkers.
However, despite my bruised ego, I’ve decided to provide you with a Missed Connections postwriting guide, so when someone out there finally decides to write a post about me, you’ll at least do a good job at it.
Specifics
Be specific! I cannot count how many Missed Connections simply name a hair color and a general location. Do you honestly expect to hear back from a specific person? Or are you just throwing out a line for any girl with brown hair who happens to head downtown every now and then?
Here is an excellent example of what you shouldn’t post: “I saw you a few times at Downtown Brew last night (Saturday night). You had your hair up. It was curly/jagged and blond.” Wow, that matches the description of about, well, a THOUSAND girls in SLO. If you want a response, at least take the time to notice and write something that was unique to the object of your affection … and no, a low-cut black dress does not count.
Spelling
This one goes out to the Baker fans out there: run your post through spell check. Misspellings, especially of simple words and the proper form of your/you’re, make you look like an idiot, and who wants to date an idiot? So if you really care, take a few seconds and run that baby through Word.
Stalking
Just because you’re posting a Missed Connection doesn’t mean you’re a stalker; however, it can sure make you look like one if you do it wrong. “I was hiding by the purses, trying to think of a way to talk to you,” writes one poster.
Dude, that’s creepy. No woman – and most men – don’t want to be stared at by someone in hiding. First, it suggests you have something to hide or are doing something wrong. Second, if the person you’re writing about sees this post, not only will they not reply because they’ll think you’re creepy, but they’ll also be paranoid for life and unable to go near purses without looking over their shoulder in fear of being attacked.
Word Choice
You’re not Bret Michaels, so stop saying you had a “connection” with a person you hardly know. I mean, you do realize the section is called “Missed Connections,” suggesting a connection wasn’t made, right?
Here’s an example of what you shouldn’t do. “I saw you at Atascadero Kmart. We made eye contact a couple times. Thought there was a connection?” A connection from eye contact? Are you kidding? You thought she was cute and felt she might have given you a look-over too; that’s all you need to say.
Smiling
There are currently 300 Missed Connections up on San Luis Obispo’s Craigslist, and 41 of them reference a person’s smile as a reason for why they thought there might be something more to their run-in. Last I checked, smiling was not synonymous with flirting.
In a lot of these posts, it just comes off as a sorry attempt to make it seem like something more occurred between the poster and the random person he or she is interested in. Newsflash: it isn’t, especially if the person you’re writing about deals with you as part of a job; it’s not called the service industry for nothing. Starbucks employees are instructed to smile at you, so don’t make them feel like they’re giving you the wrong idea by doing their job.
Pictures
Putting a picture on your Missed Connection post shows that you’re serious because you’re making a point that the person you’re addressing will be able to identify you. However, this attempt is obliterated when you post a weird, filtered and obviously digitally manipulated picture that doesn’t accurately depict what you look like or if you’re even human.
An even worse use of pictures on Missed Connections is from those weirdos who post intense pictures with poetic sayings on them; for example, a black-and-white picture of a naked woman with her hair covering her face sitting on an enormous hand with the words, “Let me hold you . protect you . guide you always,” written beside the hand.
Poetry
Finally, that old romantic stand-by: the poem. On Missed Connections, this method can either go really well or really badly very quickly.
After some intensive study in the Mustang Daily newsroom, we came to the conclusion that you really shouldn’t be writing over-emotional poems about someone you don’t know. It’s just weird and boring for all us voyeurs out there. We make fun of you.
However, very explicit and vulgar poetry is encouraged, but only if it rhymes. Reading this gem, dedicated to “Sexy Dutch Bandana Boy” at Cal Poly, over and over kept this newsroom lively for least eight hours: “Your plane can park on my landing strip / I need a good pound / How does that sound?”
Angela Marie Watkins is a journalism and English senior and a reporter for the Mustang Daily.