Never kiss and tell, but we will

It was the end of the night, and as he walked her to the door, she fiddled with her keys – a clear sign she wanted more than just a verbal goodbye. He leaned in and then experienced the waterfall. He walked away from the door mopping his face with his sleeve, regretting his decision to kiss her. She was attractive, lively and spontaneous – all things he wanted in a person – but that kiss was remarkably bad, so bad he doesn’t want to do it again.

Everyone says to never kiss and tell, but if you’ve ever experienced what we have, maybe you should. Most students have come across those terrifying moments in which you suddenly are faced with the fact that the other person you were eyeing is a bad kisser. The awkward and obscure technique used that they think is pleasurable suddenly makes the other person try to fend off the salivating hole that is attacking their face.

From our collective knowledge, we have come up with the worst and most frequent kissing crimes:

The Waterfall: This is the classic kind of mouth miscommunication. The person delivering this kiss usually somehow overcalculates where their partner’s mouth is and will put their entire mouth around their partner’s. Then, with all the saliva seemingly within their body, they lick you like a Saint Bernard.

The Lizard: This type of kiss happens to be one of the most awkward. The initiator of the “lizard” kiss attempts to stab their lucky partner’s tonsils using their tongue as a javelin. How is a person expected to respond to a stabbing attempt at the mouth?

The Pendulum: When a person comes across a “pendulum” kisser, a fight or flight response ensues. This type of kiss involves quick side-to-side tongue action so spastic that one can’t help but try to escape the wrath of their partner’s tongue.

The Tornado: This kiss is the most common and is often referred to as the “whirlpool.” The initiator usually starts off slow, but as they get going, their tongue begins a rapid swirling motion, turning your mouth into a mini laundry machine.

The Metronome: The actual kissing may be pretty good, but what throws this into the worst category is the inability of the person to stay on one side or the other for more than half a second, leaving you with sudden whiplash.

Church Tongue: The movie “The Wedding Singer” has a scene that perfectly illustrates this technique – or, rather, lack of technique. “Church tongue” is an open-mouth kiss with a slight amount of tongue action that never fully enters their partner’s mouth. It can be a good kiss, but it gets old, fast.

A kiss is the intro to the rest of the hookup, and though we should never judge a book by its cover, we do anyway. In the case of a kiss, a bad kiss is a deal-breaker. For those who think their techniques are the deal-maker, they might want to double-check their success rates. Most of the worst kissers have good qualities, but it’s the overexaggeration of a motion or the overzealous attitude to make sure their partner gets the “penetrating” idea.

We have developed a few improvements to take your kissing abilities to a new level. If you are a “waterfall” kisser, it’s important to swallow from time to time – people don’t want your saliva all over their face. The “lizards” need to take their tongues away from the tonsils – you can only go so far. For the “pendulums” and “tornados” of the world, slow it down a bit and change up the technique, and you don’t need to stay in the mouth the entire time. “Metronomes” need to take more time on each side before trying to switch it up; slow it down and enjoy the moment. And finally, for the “church tongue,” a little exploring never hurt anyone; you can leave the doors of the church from time to time.

A good kiss is an equal exchange. It requires feeling out the other person’s kissing style to find balance, and having chemistry always adds an extra level of passion. So next time you encounter a bad kisser – stop, collaborate and listen. It’s acceptable to halt the “romance” in order to rectify the kissing situation. Like anything else, practice makes perfect. Now, go suck some face.

Jessica Ford is a journalism senior and Elizabeth Yi is an animal science senior. Ford and Yi are the love, sex and dating columnists and can be contacted at thenakedtruthcolumn@gmail.com.