Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael MatzkeOne of the most enigmatic characters in Cal Poly lore is half wiry teenage body, half artificial horse head. You’ve probably seen him around campus flipping burgers with the other ag majors during their Friday barbecues or pounding away at differential equations during his linear algebra class. But has anyone ever actually taken the time to sit down and talk with him? Well, we did.
Two Classy Gents: Uh … do you need help getting through that door?
Musty the Mustang: No, I got it.
(rustling in background)
(18 minutes pass)
TCG: Can you still give an interview with your head stuck in a doorframe? We’re on a strict time limit; Mark Cuban wants us to go throw rocks at cats with him.
MM: Uunnghhh!
(Thud in background)
MM: Got it!
(Head falls off)
TCG: So Musty, what was your big break?
MM: Back in ’56, during a home economics course, I befriended a portly gentleman by the name of Jonathan Madden. It turned out he was a member of the football team, and he encouraged me to try out for the team. For two seasons I redshirted as a nose tackle, until my head grew to an enormous size. At that point, Madden threatened to eat me.
TCG: But you told him if he tried anything, he’d wake up with a horse head in his bed the next morning and he’d be sleeping with the fishes!
MM: That’s not funny.
(Awkward pause)
TCG: Sorry. In “People” last week, you were on the cover with Flag Boy, with the title reading “Iraq No Longer Matters.” Would you mind telling us about your feud?
MM: Well, you know I was hooking up with Hilary Duff, and Flag Boy comes along one day and he’s all, “Hey, your boyfriend’s got a horse head,” and she was all, “What? I hadn’t noticed that,” and he was all, “Well he does,” and she was all, “That’s not cool,” and then they hooked up.
TCG: Our condolences. Not to dig up more dirty laundry, but weren’t you recently caught with a transvestite prostitute?
MM: The technical term is “she-male,” thank you, and you’re probably thinking of Eddie Murphy.
TCG: No, we’re thinking of you.
MM: Oh yeah … Malaysia.
TCG: Right. We didn’t actually want you to elaborate; we just thought we’d bring it up. Any surprises in store for the upcoming year?
MM: Well, we’re putting the final touches on my debut album “Pony Boy.” Everyone came in to throw down some tracks. It’s all-star, baby. I’m talkin’ Ja Rule, Will Smith, Billie Holiday and of course, Russell Crowe. All kinds of good stuff.
TCG: Will Smith is actually not “good stuff.”
MM: Oh, I was thinking of DJ Jazzy Jeff.
TCG: To finish off the interview, what’s your favorite curse word?
MM: ******
TCG: Nice. Thank you for your time Mustache El Mustango, as your birth certificate reads. We couldn’t think of a better and more awkward mascot for the school.
Classy: Tom Selleck, for sweeping every acting category at the Golden Globes. We didn’t even know they were still rewarding you for “Mr. Baseball,” but you deserve it.
Uncouth: The city of San Luis Obispo for removing Gum Alley. Looks like we’ll have to throw our gum at City Hall now.
Doug Bruzzone and Mike Matzke are Two Classy Gents who just want to fill the world with smiles, flowers and happiness with their weekly humor column.
Editor’s note: The opinions expressed in Two Classy Gents are not those of the Mustang Daily, neither are they to be taken seriously.