Ryan ChartrandEditor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO – In a fluke discovery, a misprinted Hallmark Valentine’s Day card surfaced today presenting portions of sensitive company information in lieu of the appropriate lovey-dovey punchlines. The contractual excerpts not intended for public disclosure suggest that the holiday was created in a secret pact among gift card manufacturers to boost greeting card sales. Around one billion Valentine’s Day cards are exchanged worldwide, with approximately 85 percent of all valentines cards believed to be purchased by lonely women, most of whom arrange to have them delivered to themselves along with flowers and chocolates to their workplaces for effect.
Valentine’s Day was thought to have its origins in a 14th century poem written by Geoffrey Chaucer. Called Parlement of Foules, it was named for birds that have sex with each other once a year on or around the second of May. Valentine, a bishop of Genoa in A.D. 300, helped secretly arrange marriages of Roman soldiers during a ban under Emperor Claudius II, who was furious that nobody got him anything for Valentine’s Day. Today, just like Claudius II, thousands of fat elementary students everywhere suffer the joys of everyone but them receiving chocolates and affectionate notes.
The discovery comes just one day before Valentine’s Day, a challenging time for participants of the holiday who have already purchased their cards and gifts, and will not have time to arrrange to use this as an excuse to not get anything. The discovery comes as a blessing to those who forgot to purchase anything for their wives, and now may never have to again.
Brad Pitt commented with relief, saying he might “finally be relieved of the burden of recieving thousands of perfumed Valentine’s Day cards and photographs from strange women” who have somehow obtained his address.” Pitt added that he doesn’t usually get his wife anything for the occasion, as being the female community’s prime sex object due to his freakish cheekbones is “a gift enough in itself.”
Larry Harper, 19, who purchased the now infamous card at a gas store at the last second, is upset about the turn of events. Like Chaucer’s birds, it was nearing Harper’s time of the year, and Harper now believes the card will no longer “get him sex” as he had previously planned. He now plans to give his wife’s gift of lingerie to a woman he will begin cheating on her with instead.
Hallmark did not have a representative available for comment, but market research suggests they will soon release an all-new series of cards for Groundhog Day, Ides of March, Arbor Day, Canada Day, National Watermelon Day, Left Hander’s Day, and pretty much any day that isn’t January 8, November 12, or August 28.
The American scandal is not expected to create much uproar in other parts of the world where the holiday has recently caught on due purely to marketing. In Japan, for example, men have brilliantly constructed the holiday in such a way that the custom is now an obligation of women to buy men gifts.
Happy Valentine’s everybody, and don’t forget to celebrate the following February 15, Singles Awareness Day. No card required.