Lauren RabainoLee: Hey Sean! You look terrible!
Sean: Ahh, don’t yell. I have a headache that’s pounding me harder than Ron Jeremy. I haven’t slept for three days. I did meth for the first time in my life on Monday night and I haven’t been able to go to bed since. I’ve made a vow never to do that again.
Lee: Really? You have that bad of a reaction? I do that stuff all the time. Sometimes it actually helps me get to sleep.
Sean: Wow man, you’re in deep. How do you keep such an unblemished complexion doing large amounts of meth?
Lee: Well, usually I do it indoors. That keeps me from getting sunburned. Although a lot of the other guys I know who do it have pretty bad acne.
Sean: So you’ve established yourself in a community of users? How do you even maintain a friendship with your deteriorated brain? Seriously, meth is probably the worst thing you can do for your body.
Lee: Well, I guess it is pretty demanding. I do it so much I rarely find time to go to the gym. But really, my brain has only gotten stronger from it. I wouldn’t have even gotten through grade school if I weren’t good at it.
Sean: Hooked as an infant? Were you such an outcast that you would do anything to get the cool kids’ attention? Let me see your teeth. Hmm, surprisingly healthy.
Lee: Actually, most of the cool kids didn’t do it much at all. I guess my habit kind of made me the outcast. But I’m fine with my decision. As an engineer, I use it all the time to deal with the tough problems my major provides.
Sean: Now that I can understand. I see you working 38 hours a week outside of class just to get by. But all that hard work will be for nothing when your wounded heart fails at age 25.
Lee: Oh, Sean. That’s not an accurate view of my lifestyle. Most people who have done it so much that they die also had terrible diets, like my friend Daniel. He loved him some pork rinds.
Sean: Yeah, you’ll eat some pretty indigestible things while doing meth. I just don’t understand how you can be an engineering major with the amount of meth you’ve done in your life.
Lee: Actually Sean, we engineers can’t get through our classes without doing it basically every day. We do it all the time and we’ll do even more of it when we get our jobs. We use it when we do homework, when we’re taking tests, even when we’re designing bridges! Frankly Sean, I don’t understand how you could’ve gotten through grade school without doing even a little bit of it.
Sean: Well, now I understand the importance of labs in your major. But really Lee, when I was a kid, all I cared about was football at recess, girls’ birthday parties and G.I. Joes. I never even knew about meth until my junior year of high school when a speaker came to our school to scare us away from it.
Lee: What kind of terrible school did you go to? They were trying to persuade you not to do it? Don’t they know it will give you more options in life if you get familiar with it?
Sean: Options? You mean like whether to die in an alley with two needles in your arm or in a mobile home with a wife who looks like Skeletor?
Lee: What the hell are you talking about? You’re talking about math like it’s some sort of drug.
Sean: Math? I’ve been talking about meth this whole time.
Lee: Meth? I’ve been talking about math this whole time. Oh yeah. Meth is awful. Wait, you did that?
Sean: Yeah. But I’ve still never done math, though.
Lee: We’re no longer friends.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are the Mustang Daily’s humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.