Amy Asman“Oooh, man didya zeee da mooviee about tat guuyy witda boat ontop of that giiiiant wave?! That wasss AWWWSOME?”
This previous blurb of drunk-speak is actually an excessively intoxicated friend of mine asking whether or not I had seen the movie “Poseidon.” Or what I like to call: “Poseidon: The Ultimate Lame-o Memorial Day Box Office Sinker, Which Just Happens to Have a Shamefully Good Cast.”
The Hollywood tradition of bombarding Memorial Day weekend with over-hyped, mega thrillers – a time that is rightfully set aside to remember those who died to protect our fine capitalist country – is unfortunately not a new concept.
Sadly, the closest Hollywood ever got to actually honoring the military on Memorial Day was the summer Jerry Bruckheimer released “Pearl Harbor.” Now I love Josh Hartnett just as much as the next person, and Ben Affleck isn’t too bad either, but this movie definitely did not exceed everyone’s high expectations.
With that in mind and since everyone is probably wondering when I’m going to work alcohol into this little vignette, I will cut right to the chase.
In order to survive the onslaught of ridiculously mediocre movies released in theaters this weekend, I propose that we all get drunk. Mind you, I am referring to all of us responsible 21-and-over-year-olds. Sorry youngin’s.
Here’s why: It was while listening to my friend slur on and on about the sheer cinematic glory of “Poseidon” that I realized alcohol makes everything seem better. Heck, it could probably make “Gigli” look like an Oscar winner. Well, maybe not.
The point is studios continue making really awful holiday blockbusters because people continue paying to see them. So rather than suffer through a two-hour waste of your life, why not enjoy yourself with a little bit from the bottle?
I suggest drinking after the movie in order to avoid that nasty “drunken in public” citation. And if movie theaters won’t let you bring in hot beverages from Starbucks, they definitely aren’t going to let you in with a keg.
Of course, the most revolutionary idea would be to boycott the movies altogether and spend the day sticking it to the man at the beach or – God forbid – throwing a barbecue for all your friends and talking about what this country means to you.
But that’s the beauty of living in America – you get the freedom to decide. And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Memorial Day.