There has never been a better time to panic, run shrieking into your car and drive home. School is back. For an entire three months, the population has dreaded this day. Student leaders have called an emergency meeting of the student government to assess the possibility of postponing the school year to next year.
As a whole, the student population seems woefully unprepared for this catastrophic day. Said a student in one apartment complex, “Yeah, I just moved in last Thursday, and I don’t even have my books yet.”
A tour of their off-campus housing revealed no hint of Lime Tostitos or chocolate-covered pretzels. “Yeah, it’s tough getting to a grocery store because I’m lazy,” another student testified.
For years the group called “The Board of Directors” has controlled the campus with their legions of super-teachers and weapons-grade curriculums, but the balance of power may be shifting. Associated Students, Inc. has created a new weapon called “green power” which may tip the scales towards the fledgling rebellion.
Plans have been made to construct a new fitness center with “green technology” which would surely be a blow to the establishment.
Slim to None was granted an exclusive interview with the leader of the rebellion. Blindfolded and driven by truck to an undisclosed location in the science building, the rebel leader, Mr. Floyd, answered many questions.
“We don’t need no education,” Floyd said. “(There’s) dark sarcasm in the classroom.”
“Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone,” he furthered.
Floyd demands that teachers assign less homework and more video games, believing that knowing how to defeat the incoming alien invasion will be more productive than writing a paper about the uses of helium.
Another celebrity, Mr. Jay-Z, defiantly declared that education was a good thing. “Allow me to reintroduce myself.I got 99 problems (due by Monday),” said Z and added, “I got the (calc) patrol on the (math) patrol.If you been havin’ girl problems, I feel bad for you son. (You know education is number one).”
Experts in the debate can not come up with a solid consensus. Some say education is a good thing and others try to make convincing arguments with crayons and construction paper.
In a sit down interview, Slim to None had an exclusive look at a recently graduated Cal Poly alumnus. When asked about the benefits of having a degree versus the amount of work put into the education, it was agreed that it was not worth it.
“What are you talking about? I like my job,” he said.
Surely, the interviewee misspoke.
“No, seriously, I earn like six figures every second, dude.”
In another interview, a high school dropout disagreed fervently with those remarks saying, “Uh, no. I actually agree with that. I wish I had a college degree.”
Slim to None traveled far and wide to find someone who would possibly take the other side. Lacking a translator in the jungles of the Philippines, Slim to None interviewed a man who might have said, “Yes, I think you are right,” or it could have been, “The Starbucks is over there, and they are out of mocha today.”
While trying to get out, students are left on their own to find protection in the numerous clubs on campus in these troubled times. Cal Poly currently has a dossier of more than 100 clubs, but many more are suspected to be “off the grid.” Slim to None considered an undercover story about sororities, but after watching Sorority Boys and Juwanna Mann it just didn’t seem feasible to do before press time.
Tom Baker is the new Mustang Daily humor columnist and a physics senior. Slim to None will be appearing in the opinion section every Friday. Readers can reach the columnist via email at slimtonone.comment@gmail.com.