Letters to the Two Classy Gents

Well, faithful Mustang Daily readers, our glorious run has come to an end. We’ve had a lot of laughs, but more importantly, we’ve all learned something. For one thing, calling out the UFC champion? Bad idea. But we don’t take it back.

With that said, we’ve received a lot of letters from you, despite never giving you any way to contact us. We promise that our answers will be truthful and much better than the answers you get from John Edwards.

My wife and I were wondering, Is there really a Porn Room in the library, like you guys said in “Top 5 Classy Places To Make Love At Cal Poly”? We’ve looked all over for it, and the librarians think we’re nuts! -Todd and Mary Stevenson, Portland, Maine

Good question, Todd and Mary. We thought our hints were explicit enough, but if you need a little more help, there is a map hidden within the Dan Brown Leatherbound Selection area on the fourth floor of the library. Good luck!

What’s the deal with your obsession with Warren Baker? It’s weird. – Warren Baker, Atascadero, Calif.

It’s threefold, Warren. First, we got him a raise, and he didn’t do anything to thank us. Second, he stole our pimp goblet. Third, he started the trucker hat phenomenon, and we resent him for that.

What’s the secret to making a great chef’s salad?

– Jennifer Weathers-Crudup, Phoenix, Ariz.

It’s simple. Lots of ham.

There’s a lot of theories being thrown around, but who do you guys really think will win the Stanley Cup? Tell me it’s not the Ducks. – Roy Lunch, Alberta, Canada

Well Roy, the season sure has been turbulent, but the NHL has really bounced back. After the Sharks blew that 2-0 lead against the Oilers, anything can happen. Carolina’s surprised a lot of people and Buffalo’s goaltending is dominating, but if you want to know our pick, the smart money’s on the Clippers.

I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how funny and good-looking you are. I just wanted to say that.  – Bob van Helsing, Topeka, Kan.

Wow, that’s really nice. Thank you.

Are you guys really classy? When you got bribed by Hometown Buffet, I thought that was really uncouth. – Tupac Smith, Madison, Wis.

Look, punk, when you get a degree in Classiness from ITT Tech, and you put your accreditation on the wall, you can talk to us about what is classy and what isn’t classy. And FYI: You’re not classy.

Are you guys really dead? Jeffrey Davies, West Lansing, Mich.

Yes. And so is Paul.

I just want to hear you guys talk about anything. At random. Stephanie Winthrop, Oakland, Calif.

We’re glad you asked that, Stephanie. We’ve been waiting to pick something to talk about. All these letters are pretty stupid, and we’ve been waiting for a badass letter this whole time.

By far, our favorite movie is “Three Men and a Baby.” However, we have a problem with Ted Danson. We believe he shouldn’t exist. Therefore, we are putting in a request to enhance the movie by digitally replacing Ted Danson with Steve Buscemi. Clearly, the Selleck-Guttenberg-Buscemi trio would blow people’s minds out of their f—heads.

To end things off, we’ll leave you with a quote from us.

“2 Kewl 2 Be 4gotten.”

-TCG

 

Classy: Us.

Uncouth: The three sworn enemies of the Two Classy Gents, in no particular order: Wayne Gretzky, Warren Baker and The Monopoly Man.

 

Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone are two classy gents and Mustang Daily columnists.