Ryan ChartrandIn general, a tool is something one uses or manipulates. For this article, we will explore the people one uses or manipulates, specifically the male variety.
These tools are most commonly used by douchebags. In fact, while douchebags often run in packs with other douchebags, they usually employ a tool as their best friend. Such celebrity pairings include Bart Simpson and Millhouse and for fans of “The Hills,” Brody and Doug.
In case you are unsure what the difference is between a tool and a douchebag, let me explain. Both douchebags and tools spend an excess amount of time and energy trying to be cool (occasionally this involves joining fraternities), but while a douchebag thinks he has arrived, a tool engages in an eternal struggle without ever perceiving himself as truly becoming “the shit.”
It is his burning desire to reach this level of alpha male that creates an internal desperation. This desperation makes the tool open to manipulation. It is a little pitiful – almost enough to stop me from continuing this article, but not quite.
So here are the signs of a tool:
1. White-rimmed sunglasses
2. Oversized sunglasses
3. Spending an hour or more at the beach without a shirt or a thought of entering the water (i.e. a paddle ball session)
4. The craving to have a perfect tan
5. Spending as much time, or more, as a princess to get ready in the morning
6. Professionally trimmed facial hair
7. Spiked hair at an age where one can grow facial hair
8. Excessive use of hair gel
9. A pre-gym shower accompanied by hair gelled to perfection (Really, what’s the point?)
10. Flexing muscles in front of the Rec Center mirror (of course, an excessive amount of mirror time would count even if he is not flexing)
11. Unnecessary grunting (specifically while lifting weights)
12. Color-coordinated gym outfits
13. Shirts three sizes too small
14. A void caused by inadequate levels of self-esteem sought to be filled by making out with as many girls as possible
As a disclaimer, I must mention that the occurrence of one of the aforementioned signs does not necessarily indicate a tool. But you would be surprised at how often one sees a young man sporting a backwards hat barely over the top of his eyebrows accompanied by another young man wearing a tiny T-shirt and white- rimmed sunglasses.
Marci Palla is a public policy graduate student and a Mustang Daily’s humor columnist. “Marci’s Word of the Week” explores some of the more important vernacular of college life, one word at a time.