It's my birthday, I can write what I want to

First of all, it’s May, and this means a few things. It means it is America’s May Day. Second, it is Canada’s Labour Day1. And third and most importantly, it is my birthday. In honor of this joyous day for the world, I’m going to keep this Guide to Life as something that will be somewhat nostalgic, as we’re heading back to a friendlier, gentler and better time.

Let’s start off in fifth grade, when we all would line up during recess and play the classic, and pretty much now banned in almost all elementary school there is, dodgeball. Everybody would be as pumped up as they could to throw the shit out of those red balls at each other.

Oh, the memories of pelting the nerdiest and/or the classmates you hated most in general. Just thinking about it gives me the chills as classmates everywhere would be crying on the sidelines.

Remember how there was always that one guy that you hated to play with? Well, I should say only hated him if he wasn’t on your team? You see, you all were the same age, but miraculously this kid matured more than everyone else. Naturally, he was just a better athlete than you, and he would always be one of the last standing.

Like I said, and really should reiterate, naturally he was better, and you loved him when he was on your team but hated when he was on the other team. Regardless, it was a game everyone loved, even though there was jealousy over the superstar.

Let’s take a small jump here to seventh grade. Here, we first hit puberty and have to start dealing with the most awkward time of our lives. Acne, broken voices, the girls were all taller than the boys, there were always uncontrollable boners, etc. Now, the same guy who dominated dodgeball is quite the ladies’ man. When around him, you notice one obvious thing about him that is different than everyone else.

While everyone is starting to smell bad because of those pubescent sweat glands kicking into action, this one guy has it all under control with not only deodorant, but cologne as well2. Every time you are near him, you notice this, and you feel like you’re at a slight disadvantage in the women department.

While it is easy for you to ask your parents to buy you deodorant, it took an extra step for you to ask for cologne. The thing though, was that more and more people were starting to do it so you felt like you had to get cologne to keep up. Problem, as any guy and girl should know, is that even if you put cologne on, you’ll need more than that to attract the opposite sex.

Now, everyone has cologne. Some are slightly better smelling than others, but you notice that the original guy who was doing it that still was getting the best girls. While he did smell nice, he also still had all his natural gifted talents.

By looking at these two periods of life, there is a common thread in both. This of course that there are some people in this world who are just better at stuff than others. You can hate them all your life and be jealous, but in reality, it is likely that you’ll be rooting for someone closer to you who has many of the same characteristics. Just because you can’t have the best on your team, doesn’t mean you should hate him though.

Before I keep going, I want you know that as inspirational as that sounded, I’m still as much a man as ever. Don’t think I’m just going soft on all of you here. I’m just stating the facts of life, and pure jealousy is just not something that people should put behind them and then move on from it.

This brings me to the end of this week’s Guide to Life, and while it might not be the line after line of comedy that you’re used to, remember, this is my birthday, and if I want to pay tribute to the full greatness of Barry Bonds in any way I can, I should be able to do so3.

Love and peace, go Giants and I will see you all next week.4

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1 Yes they spell it “Labour,” and, yes, Canada sucks. USA! USA! USA!
2 I suppose the modern equivalent would be Axe, but still, some guys try to wear that.
3 Oh, it is also my column so I shouldn’t need to explain myself anyway.
4 Beat L.A.

Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Wish him a happy birthday at www.mikeheimowitz.com.