Ryan Chartrand
Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO – Cal Poly student Howard Pincher, who in the wake of the California 50-cent minimum wage increase has come into an income surplus for the month of January, is one of many students surprised and overwhelmed by the impending task of allocating the extra money.
“I will make literally thousands upon thousands more cents this quarter,” a glassy eyed Pincher reflected when asked what he planned to do with the extra bread. Added Pincher: “I’m going to Disneyland, or at least I will in [seven and a half] months from now when the income adds up.”
The 6.7 percent raise is going to have huge fiscal implications for students, granting luxuries such as one or two extra flaming Dr. Pepper shots per month, easing away 1/25 of the cost of required textbooks, or permitting splurges such as 31 X-large Pixie stix from 7-Eleven. Some students will elect to spend the money on half a tank of gas, while others will enjoy the partially paying off their outstanding Cal Poly parking tickets. Still others will switch to the opulence of quilted toilet paper, or switch from Malt-O-Meal to brand name cereal. When asked if he was afraid of being bumped into higher tax brackets, Pincher responded “What higher tax brackets?”
Others who were already making $7.50 an hour or more before the measure took effect are feeling snubbed. Student Steven Sweeper, a nightshift janitor in the University Union, was promoted to $7.50 an hour in mid-December, and at the time believed it to be for his outstanding merit at work and ability to clean in the “hard to get places.”
“I felt so appreciated when I got that raise. But now I know that my bosses were just taking care of the clerical work ahead of time. We’ll see how appreciative they feel about cheating me when I start dipping their coffee mugs in the toilet water at night.”
Unfortunately, student surpluses may not last for long. The measure has sparked the CSU system to implement fee increases directly proportional to the wage raise, and plans to use the money for the wiping of asses and lighting of cigars. Additional revenue will improve upon the lining of pockets. A CSU fat-cat commented “It’s either 50 cents more an hour for thousands of them, or thousands of dollars more for me a year. Why give students the financial breathing room when I could be be one payment closer to owning my German Lurssen yacht outright?”
The wage is scheduled to rise again to $8.00 an hour in 2008, but with the current California budget trends, it is more likely that in a year’s time the state government will be overthrown, officials will be guillotined, and a structured economy will no longer exist to implement the pay raise. Writing your senator will be replaced by begging your overlord to spare your life, and hourly paychecks will transition into iron shackles and slave drivers. The bottom line for recent wage increases? Spend wisely.