How to Survive: Body Spray

There are women in bikinis running furiously. First, it’s women in red bikinis, then green, then women in blue bikinis swimming toward shore. The women run down the cliffs that line the shore. There is a man. He holds a can of body spray in his hands. He is spraying joyously as the women run toward him. A shot of the bikini-clad masses converging upon the man.

Insert cheesy reason why you should buy this product with emphasis on how it will attract hordes of bikini-clad hotties to you.

Cut to September 2005. I’m sitting in a math class. At the beginning of class there is no one sitting in front of me. Thirty minutes later, some guy walks in with his gym bag, apologizes to the teacher and sits directly in front of me. Suddenly, I find I cannot breathe. I would move but the teacher declared that we would be sitting in the same spots all quarter. I honestly can’t breathe without getting a nose and mouthful of chemicals, as if the stench wasn’t bad enough. The rest of class (and the quarter) is torture.

Why? His body spray.

I don’t need to name names here. I know you know which brands I’m talking about. What I want to know is why men keep buying these nauseatingly horrible sprays? Do they not have any scent glands? Do they think women have no scent glands? I don’t get it, neither do many of my friends (male and female), but there must be some major disconnect going down in the brains of guys everywhere.

First of all, the highly sexist advertising has GOT to go. No woman is seriously going to fall all over you because you’re wearing something that doesn’t make you smell sweaty. All we ask is that you keep yourself clean and that you use deodorant. You don’t need to impress us with expensive cologne, I promise.

Also going against you guys is the fact that you’ve bought into the advertising and the fact that you like such blatant displays of sexism. (No self-respecting woman is going to take off her shirt for your body spray, and would you really want to be with one who did?)

Now for the real lesson.

Guys, you have to first learn how to shop for a new scent. No, you don’t have to spend a lot of money. None of us women are buying the latest designer perfume by the gallon, so we don’t expect you to either. If you’re nervous, bring a female friend or your girlfriend to help you test it out, they’ll probably think it’s cute.

As for application, you can use either one of two tricks that women-kind know well. That’s right, you don’t just spray it on, there’s method to our madness. First is the wrist-to-neck technique. Spray a small amount on your wrist and then rub it on your neck before it dries. Pretty simple. Some people like to hide the scent behind their ears to enhance sexiness factors; I’ve found it usually impresses anyone who gets close enough to notice.

The second technique involves a little flair. Spray your scent into the air and then step underneath the spray and let it fall on top of you. Sometimes it takes a few sprays to get any noticeable scent (WARNING: This really depends on the strength of said scent – watch yourselves there) and it won’t leave any serious chemical aftertaste (serious turn-off) if someone special is getting especially close to you. I say this technique involves a little flair because this technique might induce a little twirling. No one, except maybe your roommate and friends, will find this weird. Every woman on earth with a bottle of perfume has done this, ask any one of us.

Now, hopefully, you’ll be prepared to kick that nasty body spray out the door and to get something subtler and sexier. Besides, no one’s going to ask you out if they can’t even breathe around you.