Ryan ChartrandA middle-aged woman with a spray tan enters a bar downtown wearing tight jeans and a low-cut top. She’s throwing back tequila shots when she is approached by a good-looking, but significantly younger man. He puts on the charm, makes her feel young again, and off they go to his dorm room. What has he just scored? That’s right – a cougar.
They are everywhere, and it’s tough to determine whether these women are a good score or an easy in. That is to say, you could learn a thing or two from these aged masters or just end up with another ugly laying in bed next to you.
Here is our guide to spotting a cougar. Pursue only if you dare.
1. An orangey-like hue surrounds her. But it’s not her aura, it’s her leathery skin.
2. She wears a plunging neckline, exposing a canyon of cleavage.
3. Skintight jeans help keep everything in.
4. She has an uncanny ability to incorporate some sort of leopard print into any outfit.
5. Her nails, though nicely manicured, are claw-like and long – ready for taking down her prey.
You may be unaware, but there is a male equivalent to cougars – grizzlies. They can be just as dangerous as cougars, and tend to prey on college-aged women by providing an endless amount of alcohol or money.
They are easy to score with the right moves, so here are a few sure signs you are encountering a real-life grizzly.
1. Looking for a mate, grizzlies tend to travel alone and try to blend in with the younger male assemblage. If you are not careful, you will end up having to entertain this hairy mess.
2. Grizzlies have slight beer bellies and are always overly hairy, hence the name. They usually smell like the musky scent of Groom & Clean.
3. He will hit on you right away, so don’t be caught off guard. He will usually begin by buying you a drink and will make inappropriate comments (loud enough for you to hear) to someone in his “pack.”
4. If he wants you to come home with him and looks like he is old enough to be your dad, he’s a grizzly.
5. He will be wearing something along the line of a Hawaiian shirt, and if the top few buttons are open and some graying chest hair is exposed, he’s for sure a grizzly.
Cougars and grizzlies are meant to be enjoyed and quickly released, or rather just avoided altogether. As part of the San Luis Obispo bar scene, it is essential to understand the dynamics of this alcohol-infused environment and the indigenous population.
But don’t forget, cougars and grizzlies can also be found at house parties. They will be the old person in the kitchen drinking all of the alcohol. So next time you head out to the bars or a party, be sure to survey the crowd. If you don’t act fast enough, you may miss the wildlife.
Jessica Ford is a journalism senior and Elizabeth Yi is an animal science senior.
Ford and Yi are the love, sex and dating columnists and can be contacted at thenakedtruthcolumn@gmail.com.