Ryan ChartrandSmall talk: noun – What is bound to always happen when two or more people come together who don’t really want to talk to each other and have to come up with something forcefully to talk about. There, my friend, is the basis for this week’s “Guide to Life.” I’m about to break it down1, and give you the essential topic starters that you’ll need for small talk with that fellow classmate who you’ll inevitably see and really not ever want to get in any sort of conversation with.
Situation: So, you’re walking around campus and BAM, you make eye contact with that person who you halfway know and whose name you might not even remember, but you have to stop and talk. The most basic form of any sort of college student small talk has to be the overused, extremely unimportant NorCal vs SoCal Debate. Fact is, we are all living in Central California now, and if you still care about this debate, then you probably are pretty lame23? Just got back from home last weekend.”
“Oh yeah? Where’s home?” the guy will ask.
And then, you’re pretty much home free with the NorCal versus SoCal Debate. In my case, I would say NorCal, and I’d either get a, “Hell yeah, man. NorCal represent,” or “Ah man, NorCal HELLA sucks.” From there, the conversation will go into “THE 101” versus just “101” talk all the way to how lame or not lame the word “hella”4 actually is. All the while though, we have complete success as the small talk is there.
The next type of small talk is mostly for when you need to talk to a girl who you just don’t want to talk to. Situation: You have just finished using the bathroom, you open the door to leave, and unavoidably bump into that girl. There is nothing else to ask a girl when looking for small talk but “hey, go to any parties this past weekend?” Girls seem to like to talk about the last party they went to more than anything, and more specifically, talk about how “it was so annoying because every guy there, like, totally was hitting on me.”
Let’s take a quick flashback though. So, all “the girls” are getting ready to go out to this huge party which, like most of them, has a theme that attempts to get the girls to wear the sluttiest clothes possible5. The girl that you had to make small talk with was so excited that she wanted to “go all out for this one and just look OH MY GOD, SO CUTE.” The result, of course, was her wearing the sluttiest outfit she could find, yet to her surprise, every drunk guy at the party wouldn’t leave her alone. Get what I’m saying here?
So, to continue the small talk, respond with something witty and charming like, “Ah, if I was there I totally would have beat those dudes up.” Instantly, she’ll giggle, say something like, “OK, I’ll have to remember that for next time!” and you can both be on your way.
How are we doing so far? Good? Good. Alright, moving on to the next quick and easy foolproof small talk starter, which is to talk about how busy you are. Situation: You are all done with class for the day, are pretty tired and are making your way to get the hell off campus. Uh-oh though, not so fast, because WHAMMY,6 now you have to talk to someone who you see. So, try something like, “There are just so many freakin midterms right now. I’m just so freakin’ busy all the time.” Notice it is safe to say “freakin'” because it isn’t really swearing, yet you are able to really show how pissed you are. Anyways, you’ll always get a response like, “Oh yeah, totally. This shit just never ends.”
This guy or girl will then list off every midterm that will be given in the next two weeks such as, “Yeah, got a midterm tomorrow, two on Thursday and Friday, then two next Monday and one next Tuesday.” Meanwhile, this person has listed a total of eight midterms, when in reality is pretty much virtually impossible. Regardless, it sure is a great way to talk about absolutely nothing.
Well, this brings me to the end of another “Guide to Life.” Like always, I hope you learned something. Of course if you want small talk with substance, you can never fail by talking about how great these “Guides to Life” are.
1 Don’t get too excited though. I’m not breaking it down Big Willie Style or anything.
2 Or a FRESHMAN. Ohhhh one point for Team Heimowitz.
3 Dude, man, and buddy also work since you really can’t remember his name.
4 Hella NOT LAME. Point No. 2 for Team Heimowitz. They call me butta, because I’m on a roll. Suckas.
5 Or LACK THEREOF. AM I RIGHT, FELLAS? Point three. Total Team Heimowitz domination.
6 Yes, WHAMMY, even though you kept thinking, “Big money, no whammies, no whammies.” Point for you if you get the “Press Your Luck” reference.
Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. Chat with him about the weather at mikeheimowitz.com.