Ryan ChartrandIf there is one thing that college students really dislike, it would have to be midterms. If there is one thing that I really dislike1, it would have to be ice skating. If there is one thing that liberal students (and I’m sure even some conservative students) at Cal Poly dislike, it would have to be the Mustang Daily Republican columns, as proof shows in the “Letters to the Editor” section.
Now, I’m not here to just rip apart these Republican columnists, since whoever writes these columns are fellow writers2 and I have to give them some respect as we share the same pages of this paper. However, I’m going to give you, my loyal reader all the tips that you would need to know to write these columns yourself.
So, if you don’t like the current Republican columns that totally bash parents who don’t spank their kids, bash the homeless, or bash “The Vagina Monologues,” then read up, because you can be the next great Mustang Daily Political Columnist.
The first step is to pick a topic that is going to easily piss people off. To fully get my point across in this column, as I do in my other columns, I’ll choose an example and we’ll stick with it throughout to really make sure we’re all learning here together.
Let’s go with oh, I don’t know, Dane Cook really not being that funny at all. I’m completely aware that this isn’t a political issue, but for the sake of making an argument that will surely offend people3, we’ll stick with it. Now, before you gather up the villagers with flaming wooden stakes in hand to defend the man, you just have to follow me here. Remember, I said that I needed a topic that would piss people off. So, whether I believe he is funny or not4 is irrelevant, as I wanted something that would really get your attention. I could have gone with gay marriage5, separation of church and state6, or even more hip by trying to defend Britney Spears’ shaved head7, but I’ll stick with good old Dane Cook.
The next step in writing the column with this heated argument (with complete respect, of course, to the current Republican columnist) is to now find at least one, but not more than, say, two articles to back the argument. In doing this, it will show that you did some research, albeit probably the first result or two in a Google search, but really who’s checking?
Meanwhile, you don’t have to spend too much time researching8. So, in my argument about Cook, I would quote the article, “Take the Funny and Run” from the Radar Magazine Online. See, it is an obscure magazine that I, along with most of you, probably never have heard of.
Going on with the article though, it talks about how Dane Cook has stolen jokes from comedian Louis C.K. Then, make sure to include the most important passage like so: “Listening to the two albums, there’s no denying certain similarities. (C.K.’s) ‘Guy on a Bike’ and (Cooks’s) ‘Struck by a Vehicle’ both wonder how to warn someone in a split second that they’re about to be hit by a car. C.K. yells ‘Bad thing!’ while Cook sputters ‘Uuuuuuuhh!’ In (C.K.’s) ‘Kid’s Names’ and (Cook’s) ‘My Son Optimus Prime’ both men discuss giving children weird names, with C.K. choosing ‘Ffffffffffffff’ to Cook’s “Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr.'”
Doing this not only helps you as a writer fill space, but also lets you use someone else’s argument as your own, so really, you can look smart at someone else’s expense9.
The next thing to do, when all else fails, is to use more of your own arguments to continue to piss your reader off. Brian Eller did this beautifully when he stated that he “yells at homeless people” as written in his Jan. 10 column. Likewise, “V-Day is really just a fundraiser for groups like Equality Now, Feminist.com, gay and lesbian centers, and Planned Parenthood, which collect most of the V-Day donations.” Nice job, Eller. See how he put down all these groups in one fell swoop?
I’m going to go with something like, “Dane Cook just struts back and forth on the stage, doesn’t have any punch lines, and really just yells instead of saying anything funny. Oh plus he probably rapes babies.” See what I did? We get some debatable argument followed by a point that is so out of line that in the end it will get the reader totally not even thinking about the rest of what was written.
Well, that brings me to end of another “Guide to Life.” Like always, I hope you learned something and that I’ll see your work next quarter in the pages of the Mustang Daily.10
1 And by dislike I mean “can’t do” but come on, even Superman wasn’t totally invincible.
2 Though obviously not as good looking, witty and humble as me.
3 I’m not sure why though.
4 Which I don’t think so.
5 How clich‚.
6 Yaaaawn.
7 No way to defend it.
8 Cause researching is for NERDS anyway, right? Who’s with me?
9 Being a hypocrite is OK though. Notice how I complain about joke stealing while I am argument stealing.
10 Oh, and stick with the Republican column. I think we all know that we must leave the “Guide to Life” to
the master. And no, you don’t scare me.
Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist. See who else ticks him off at mikeheimowitz.com.