Ryan ChartrandLast quarter I told you about how annoying some people could get in class1. As a follow-up, I’m going to provide you with a “Guide to Life” to prevent you from also being an annoying jackass at parties. Although we’re already in winter quarter, it is amazing to me how people still just can’t get it right in how to act at certain events. Don’t worry though, I’m here for you. We’ll get through this together, and you’ll turn into the best college boy or girl that you can possibly be, as we’re going to break down the worst possible people at a college party.
The first thing has to do with the most common thing at any party, which, of course, is alcohol. This alcohol also leads to the first jackass to point out. That would be The Overly Excessive Drink Counting and Announcing Jackass. If the catchy name of the jackass was too broad for you, let me break it down a bit.
So, you’re at a party and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, someone starts slurring something along the lines of, “Bro, bro, dude, bro, you have no idea how druuuuuunk I am. Bro, this like, bro this like is my fifth beer. But wait bro, I already had like 10 shots, three beer bongs, and bro I went through the alphabet like twice when I was doing a kegstand. They said it was like some sort of record or something, bro.”
You’ll notice that on a side note2/font>, The Overuser of the Word “Bro” Jackass also comes into play. Back on subject though. First of all, nobody cares how much you had to drink, and really the simple formula is divide the amount of alcohol by three fourths of what was said, and you’ll get the true amount. This jackass is also usually apparent the day after every party too, as he or she will list off all the drinks (plus the exaggeration3) from the night before.
On the flip side of this jackass that probably had too much to drink is The Always Sober “Better Than Everyone Else” Jackass. You have all seen this person at a party, and every time you just want to go up to them and just say, “Dude, come on, just shut the hell up.” This isn’t because he is sober, which totally is not the problem here. The real problem in play is that this person goes and makes fun of how drunk everyone else is. It is not too hard to spot this person though, as really you can sort of make a game out of finding him or her as he or she will be in the back of the room, and the only one alone with no red cup in hand.
How are we doing so far? Good? Good. While it is one of the most popular things to do at a party, the game of Beer Pong creates jackasses all over the place. The first is the “Drink the Water Cup!!!” Jackass. In about 35 percent of all games played4, a ball will tend to bounce into the water cup in the middle of a game. Out of nowhere, this Jackass feels the need every single time this happens to yell, “Drink the water cup!!!” thinking that he was the first person to ever come up with that joke, and that everyone should laugh as he says that every time it happens. It might get a giggle here or there, but for the most part it leaves everyone else shaking their head in disgust.
On the same subject, comes the “Dude This Is Like Our Eighth Game in a Row” Jackass. Everyone has those nights. You seemingly just can’t be beat. While it could be fun while it lasts, you don’t have to tell everyone how great you are at the game. Doing this can only hurt you. While yes, you have been winning, you also have just missed every fun thing that was happening at this party. You will learn this the next day though.
Pretty much, your friends tell you how many hot girls there were, and all you can say is that you were able to meet 10 other drunk dudes that weren’t quite as good that night at throwing Ping-Pong balls into cups. Doesn’t quite sound as cool anymore now, does it?
Well, that does it for another installment in my “Guide to Life.” If you need further assistance, come up to me and I’ll help you personally at that next party. For quick reference with no room for explanation, also make sure not to be The Drunk Jackass Who Hits on Every Girl There5, The Pukes Every Single Party Jackass, The Just Wants To Get in Fights Jackass, and finally The Jackasses Who Hook Up Right In the Middle of the Party Making Everyone Else Uncomfortable.
1 I’m sure as my loyal reader that you remember that article in its entirety though.
2 Side note not to be confused with a footnote.
3 If I wasn’t a journalism major I would be able to tell you that equation back in reverse.
4 Some sort of firsthand research that I have been doing.
5 That includes my girlfriend, or my bitch as I normally refer to her. Seriously.
Mike Heimowitz is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily humor columnist.
After you join his new facebook group “Everything I Know Comes from Mike’s Guide to Life,” check out his Web site at mikeheimowitz.com.