Dear ___________,
Thank you for last night. I had a great time. I guess you weren’t too confident that I enjoyed it, since you just asked me how it was. Well, let me ease your fears. Instead of saying “good” or “horrible” or something, I’ll draft up a few paragraphs that fully express my feelings.
Unless I was just laying there like a blow-up doll, you probably know that I was enjoying myself. Communicating my pleasure could almost be called a responsibility of mine — although mostly it consists of simply expressing all the good feelings that I’m having. One of the best parts of sex is letting go.
Also, since sex is so intrinsically enjoyable, you’d have to work pretty hard to f*ck it up. Assume you’d know if you had. Blood and screams of pain are usually a pretty bad sign, as is a glazed, bored expression.
On the other hand, an orgasm isn’t the only indicator that the love was actually made. Although it’s usually the goal, I’ve had really good sex when it just never happened. I know that it’s natural to feel a bit guilty or selfish when you came and I didn’t, but really, the race isn’t all about the finish line. And damn if it wasn’t hot watching you.
It’s very nice of you to offer continued stimulation and not immediately fall asleep, but sometimes I’d just like to skip straight to cuddling. Just relax and don’t beat yourself up, unless this sort of thing happens every time, in which case I might have a bone to pick.
Confidence is the important thing here. Confidence is hot, and insecurity is much less so. The question can be sexy, but only when you already know that the answer is an unequivocal “Yes.” Maybe you’re trying to tease me by being understated. I get that. That’s definitely allowed, because you were paying attention during the act, and therefore are confident that it actually was good for me.
It’s definitely off-putting if you ask and really have no idea how I’m feeling. You were there, for Christ’s sake. If you’re really that nervous about how it was, then we might have bigger problems than how good the sex is.
And if you are going to ask, please don’t ask more than once. You think I’m lying to protect your feelings? Well, if I am, then there’s no doubt a good reason.
OK, so if something minor had gone wrong, maybe I wouldn’t say anything. And maybe that’s for the best. I mean, I wouldn’t want you obsessing over some little thing that didn’t make much difference, like the fact that you pinched my nipple a bit too hard.
Do I want to risk you taking that to heart? Do I want to spend the next few months reassuring you that you aren’t hurting me with your feathery touches? Of course not! Trust me, it’s better for both of us to not sweat the small stuff. And if there actually is a big problem, right after sex is hardly the best time to bring it up.
Finally, the whole question, “Was it good for you?” is an example of some pretty loaded language. What am I supposed to say, exactly? Anyone who asks only wants a positive answer anyway, so it would come totally out of the blue if I were to respond that I’ve had better, or that I’m glad it’s finally over.
If you don’t have any helpful advice that can be phrased more gently than that, then I guess it’s not really likely that you’ll be asked this question by this person again. Just be forewarned: it’s a lot easier to break up when everyone’s wearing clothes.