Despite what we may have learned from our high school health class, sex usually won’t kill you — usually. Most obviously, unsafe sex could lead to the contraction of an STI, which can sometimes lead to death if left untreated, so sex could kill you, eventually.
Or it could kill you while you’re still having it. While a great deal of us jokingly say we would prefer to die during sex, most of us don’t want to die yet. If this is you, then read on.
The tamest deaths by sex occur from a heart attack or stroke during the act. Both of these life-threatening conditions are caused by blood clots suddenly blocking the blood flow to the heart or brain, with higher risk in people with high blood pressure. Sex, like any good cardiovascular exercise, can help strengthen your heart and lower blood pressure if done regularly. However, a sudden increase in activity can put strain on a weak circulatory system, increasing blood pressure temporarily, which could send clots careening toward the major organs.
You, my intended audience of college students, are not usually at risk for heart attacks or strokes. Our hearts are, for the most part, strong enough for a little sex. But things can go downhill once people start mixing sex and drugs.
For instance, a 28-year-old Russian man had a fatal heart attack after taking a whole bottle of Viagra. Although you can overdose on any drug, this story is included because he took too many pills in an attempt to have sex for 24 hours. Although some may say it was worth it, I disagree.
When you’re having sex, there is often very little else that you can think about. This could be bad for your health if you need to focus on other things, such as driving. The popular practice of “road head,” or performing oral sex on someone while they are driving, is not directly illegal, but it definitely qualifies as reckless driving.
People tend to lose control of their vehicles during orgasm, which could kill them, their passenger or people in nearby cars. If you survive something like this, you can get up to six months of jail time, up to a $1,000 fine and a lovely story to tell your parents. To avoid danger, try to limit your thrill-seeking to parked vehicles, or at least stoplights.
For many people, sex is enhanced by a sense of danger. Besides the risk of a car crash, another well-known thrill is erotic asphyxiation, or breath control play. Asphyxiation is much more dangerous when done alone. More than 300 people die from it every year in the United States alone, at an average of 25 years old.
Another thrilling danger is self-bondage. If the restraints cannot be quickly and easily removed, they could be a serious risk to your life in the event of an emergency, such as a fire. Most practitioners recommend having a backup strategy, such as a cell phone to call a friend for help. This could be embarrassing, but could save your life.
Finally, anal play can be nerve-wracking, and it won’t comfort you to know that it can be deadly. Peritonitis occurs when the intestine is broken, contaminating the rest of the body and leading to infection. This can occur when inserting something sharp into the rectum, although it could also be caused by something too long.
This is why Kenneth Pinyan died after having sex with a horse, an act immortalized in an infamous Internet video. Peritonitis is rarely deadly if treated properly, but could cause death within hours if it isn’t, so once again, it is preferable to take embarrassment over death.
For thousands of years, humans have excelled at doing stupid things. We have also been pretty good at learning from the mistakes of others. So this year, try to avoid doing all the above things, unless you want to give the Mustang Daily its most popular issue ever.