Ryan ChartrandEditor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA – Anal-retentive homeowner Bill Rigorous voiced his “extreme concern’ that the jack-o-lanterns put out by his neighbor, college student Andy Slater, will become a permanent eyesore on the doorstep of the yard the two share. Rigorous, a 37 year old form double-checker for an income tax firm who enjoys solving multi-thousand piece puzzles and building card houses, was further irritated by the unconventional design of the lanterns. One boasted the silhouette of a naked big-breasted woman instead of the traditional grinning face. Another had pumpkin seeds and guts flowing out of its mouth into the carved pumpkin likeness of a toilet, and was posed next to an empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
“Kids are going to see those pumpkins and think they’re ‘neat’ or ‘far-out’ or whatever the confounded slang they use today is, but I look at them and I see the furry green festering six-month-old piles radiating stink in the heat of the May sun, attracting flies and providing a food source for the rats that already reside in the Santa sleigh that’s been out there for the last 10 months. Also, I am very worried that the suggestive themes are going to lure my 12-year-old daughter into trying mind-altering drugs and promiscuous sex,” Rigorous said.
An empty keg shell covered in spider webs sits beside the animatronic Santa in the place of the usual bag of gifts, and a funnel and hose have been affixed to his hands in such a way that a person could “bong beer” while sitting in his lap. Christmas lights missing bulbs hang dejectedly from the roof on what few rusty staples have not fallen out. Candles placed neatly in halved Natural Light Ice can candle holders line the walkway for the night’s expected trick-or-treaters, or perhaps just to guide the student residents to the door later tonight when they stumble home from the bars at 2:30 a.m. with blood alcohol levels in excess of the concentration needed to fuel a small lawnmower.
Slater explained the situation and his neighbor Rigorous. “We hate the (neighbors). SNAP tickets ain’t cheap. Also, Bill’s complete lack of holiday decorations says to us that he’s not a very far-out or neat guy,” Slater said. He’s probably the kind of dad who tells his kids at a young age that Santa Claus doesn’t exist, and that Halloween and Christmas are instruments of marketing or some bullshit like that.”
Rigorous spoke of his family’s holiday traditions with pride. “Every Halloween, our family prides itself on handing out American Dental Association approved toothbrushes, free samples of tooth decay fighting toothpaste, and homemade popcorn balls. We warned our kids at a young age about the evil instruments of holiday marketing, and about believing in anything ridiculous like jolly fat men that climb down chimneys or giant humanistic bunnies that give out eggs in honor of Jesus’s resurrection.”
Slater was quite passionate about the issue. “They scare the shit out of all the parents with their homemade treats and those miniature storybooks tell you at the end you’re going to hell for celebrating Halloween. After Halloween, we have this sick Christmas party, and after that the next big thing is Easter,” Slater said. “We are totally going to make this giant horn-of-plenty and fill it with weed brownies. I have this giant humanistic bunny suit too that I’ll wear, and I’m going to make a point of hopping around in Rigorous’ backyard when I’m stoned, hoping their little girl sees me and thinks I’m real. If not, she’ll for sure see the big bunny footprints I’m going to leave back there, which will lead her to some eggs I’ll stash if she follows ’em. I don’t think that little girl has ever tasted sugar, and she’s so cheerless around the Holidays.
Anyways, Beerster falls on the same weekend as Easter, and we’re going to have to hide cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer around the house and yard. Our friends our never going to find the ones we hide inside the jack-o-lanterns!”