Do conspiracy theorists exist?

Lee Barats: Yes. And they’re more powerful than you could ever imagine.

Hey man, thanks for coming down to my basement. All right, enough talk. I have serious news for you. I’m going to tell you this because you’re the only person I can trust. But if you tell anyone you heard this from me, you may never see me again. Here it is: conspiracy theorists exist, man. And they’re out to control your mind.

I know, man. I had that same reaction too. “There’s no way conspiracy theorists exist,” I said, “nobody could possibly believe that crap.” But it’s true. Look at the facts, man. There are Web sites about it all. There’s 911truth.org, conspiracyplanet.com, cnn.com; they’re all trying to fill your head with lies. Don’t believe me? Ask yourself this: even though America is the most powerful country in the world, why is our government so mistrusted by its own citizens? These are people who have benefited from their country’s status. Why would they not like our government? Conspiracy theorists, man. They pull a sheet over your eyes that covers the pretty sheet that was already there.

Want more proof? Ever heard of the Illuminati? They’re the secret society that controls everything, man. You know what else? They’re fake. That’s right, completely made up. Conspiracy theorists fabricated this idea of an all-powerful secret government to keep you in a state of fear. Once they get you to fear, they can get you to believe all their lies so they can eventually take over the world.

All over the world, there’s crap that’s been made up. Bigfoot? Doesn’t exist. Tupac is still alive? Lie. Angelina Jolie sending death threats to Jennifer Aniston? Never happened. Someone had to make this stuff up. The conspiracy theorists, man!

I’ve already told you too much. Conspiracy theorists keep hidden cameras and microphones around my house. They’re spying on me because they know I’m getting too close to the truth. They don’t want me to tell everyone that the conspiracy theorists of the world are plotting to *CENSORED BY CONSPIRACY THEORISTS*! Get out of here while you still can, man.

Sean Michetti: No. They are Government agents.

Of course conspiracy theorists exist. It’s a well-documented fact that conspiracy theorists hold weekly meetings on the Moon, dining on asteroids and space trash while brainstorming the next world changing truth they’ll report. Do you see what I’ve just done? My extreme claim about conspiracy theorists will never be taken seriously, thus reinforcing my true goal of proving conspiracy theorists don’t exist. And if you still believe these theorists eat moon rocks and sniff space dust on a weekly basis, then friends and community members will shun you, thus reinforcing my second goal, stripping you of all credibility.

I am a “Wacky Conspiracy Theorist” by day, but an official White House aid by night. My job is to make my clients, the president’s cabinet, look sane and credible. For example, Sept. 11. The administration claims Muslim extremists flew hijacked planes right into the World Trade Center. It’s a tough story to believe and it received skepticism. This is where I step in.

Under my blogging alias, ConspiracyNut, I bombard chat rooms with insider information that hundreds of Seeing Eye dogs were strapped with explosives and ordered to run to designated positions within the towers. When, two Boeing passenger plane holograms were directed at the towers’ 60th floor. At the moment of impact, the Seeing Eye dogs’ obediently paw at the “detonation button” on their explosives.

As this rumor spreads like the Avian Bird Flu, the administration’s version of the event looks a lot more feasible. That’s why I make an incredible amount of money; I put the “con” in conspiracy theorist.

The next conspiracy I have to work on is my own, in fact. The government has received accusations that it employs conspiracy theorists to sell its unbelievable “facts” to the public. But the government claims the conspiracies come from disenchanted citizens who oppose its administration. Sure.

What’s really happening is that the government wisely scouts child prodigies, whom they label Cons, from age five and fund their Ivy League education. Upon graduation, the Cons are hired by the government, showered with lavish presents and brainwashed to sit in an underground bunker beneath Madison Square Garden. With a Rockstar energy IV inserted in each arm, the Cons type wild tales to cover up the government’s biggest blunders. Surviving only several months before succumbing to the crushing stress, the Cons’ bodies are buried on a floating putting green, far out in the Pacific Ocean.

Or am I?