“We are in no way advocating the regular consumption of these water-flavored beverages, but they have their uses, including stocking college parties and watering your lawn.”
Nick Larson and Jake Devincenzi
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Kinesiology senior Nick Larson and aerospace engineering senior Jake Devincenzi are Mustang News beer columnists.
As you know, we are beer snobs craft beer aficionados. That being said, we are also broke college students. Cheap beer is a necessary evil at this point, and it is as hard to avoid as it is to enjoy. We are in no way advocating the regular consumption of these water-flavored beverages, but they have their uses, including stocking college parties and watering your lawn. Therefore, we are going to rank the crap of the craft from crappiest to least crappy, because beer is good. Good beer is better. But hey, at least it’s not cider.
11. Natural Light
Probably the most watered-down drink on this list, Natty Light is bad. Drinking this beer is a total frat move, bro. Bros don’t let other bros drink crappy crap beer. Respect the bro code.
10. Beer 30
The best thing about Beer 30 is its name. Unfortunately, it’s also the second worst, next to the taste, of course. We’ll admit, it’s fun as hell to be like, “You know what time it is?” and crack the can open. But we all have the buddy that will say that joke every damn time he goes to get a beer, hence why the name will eventually be the bane of your existence. As with anything, moderation is key.
9. Miller 64
Honestly, if you’re worried about your caloric intake whilst drinking, you deserve to drink this crap. The only way we’d even consider drinking this is if it had 5 more calories.
8. Rolling Rock
It’s the weirdest smorgasbord of conundrums, and we are baffled. So many questions: Why would I want to drink a rock? Why the green bottle? Where does the horse come from? It’s cute that they try to make real beer, like an extra pale and a red, but those are almost worse. When you see a Rolling Rock coming at you, get out of the way.
7. Keystone
We love Keith Stone as much as anyone, but we can’t say the same for Keystone. Bonus points for the mildly entertaining commercials and that sweet, sweet mullet, though.
6. Coors Banquet Beer
A banquet is something no one wants to attend. Remember in high school when your sport’s season concluded and you had to drag your parents to some golf course or your high school gym and eat microwaved chicken and listen to your awful coaches bullshit their way through a series of compliments to a bunch of kids who probably sucked at that sport anyway? Yeah. That sucked. So does this beer.
5. Bud Light
In this group of “beers,” Bud Light is mediocre.
4. Busch Light
Living with a St. Louis Cardinals fan for the past few years has made us hate everything associated with “America’s Team,” as they like to call themselves. The Cardinals play in Busch Stadium, so we already loathe the beer. Then we take a sip of the liquid crap and it all makes sense why the Cardinals play there: because they both suck.
3. Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR)
PBR somehow made a revival and is now described as “cool” and “classy.” What has the world come to? The hipsters are taking over the world, but they’ll never admit it. If there was a party for people who like PBR, we would go solely to watch the hipsters and country-folk interact. Oh, and the beer isn’t the worst.
2. Coors Light
It’s not a good thing when a beer’s selling point is “it’s cold.” We’re pretty sure it’s going to be the same temperature as all the other beer in your fridge. Nice try, Coors. That being said, it’s one of the better crap beers.
1. Tecate
Ah, the Dirty Bird. Even though its special ingredient is probably lead, it’s our No. 1 choice when forced to purchase mass amounts of beer. It’s slightly darker, and has a slight flavor; both of these qualities support our lead theory. If you’re a “baller on a budget,” this cerveza should be your first choice.
Hopefully you never have to drink any of these beers, but if you do, keep our rankings in mind. People may disagree, which is expected when trying to rank crap vs. crap vs. crap. Rest assured, we’ll be back with real beer next week.