Costume Parties: Just an excuse to masquerade as a ho, slut or whore?

Back in the day they called ’em masquerades, but the party’s gone and changed in some drastic ways. Brrrrrrraah!!!!

Costume parties are rad. They’re like getting to celebrate Halloween all the time but without the pressure of having to come up with a costume idea or having to shell out cash for candy. Some trendy choices for costume parties are things like Corporate Hos and C.E.O.s, Pirates and Wenches, or Astronauts and Alien Hos. I like to call these “lucky delivery guy themes” because any one of them could easily be the plot of a porno movie.

Furthermore, these parties are just excuses for us guys to “live the dream” and try to be that lucky delivery guy.

But really, what self-respecting woman would go to one of these parties? Now I know you like to look sexy and dress up in costumes, but when the theme implies ho, slut, whore or any other degrading terminology, logic would lead you to have a girls’ night instead.

Or better yet, lead a new trend. For instance, host parties like Woman C.E.O.s and Secretary Gigolos, Homeowners and Half-Naked Firemen, or Vacationers and Pool Boys. On second thought, though, with all the spilling of drinks that goes on at parties and the fact that beer and body hair don’t mix well, this may not be a good idea unless your circle of friends are Abercrombie models.

Ladies, you could show up to one of these delivery guy parties as the delivery guy instead. Just imagine a party with all C.E.O.s or astronauts … guys’ll have to step up their game ‘cuz all the pick-up lines they were brainstorming the past week wouldn’t apply anymore. You know, things like, “What’s up, extraterrestrial? Are you gonna abduct me now or do you need to phone home first?” Or, “Hey, corporate ho, I’m a C.E.O. Wanna meet me in the conference room in 15 so I can show you the effect of inflation?” (Yeah, I really don’t know what that one means either).

So, as guys, what can we do? How about coming up with party themes that are awesome and that make everybody look ridiculous, sexy, ridiculously sexy or just stupid. Anything-but-clothes (ABC) parties are always sweet and leave enough room for creativity, but what about an ABCBOF party? That’s an anything-but-clothes-but-only-fruit party. “Nice melons!” Can you make trousers out of a watermelon and grapes? Got the drunken munchies? How about an apple? “Wait, don’t take that one, it’s holding my banana-peel suspenders together!” Actually, that’s a terrible idea; there are starving children in the world and wearing kiwi-slice sunglasses is just a waste.

But for reals, we can rock themes like dress-how-you-did-in-eighth-grade or Spelling Bee Contestants (which may be the same thing for you), or Cats versus Dogs, or Carnies (dibs on the bearded lady!).

With that said, party safe, party people. Leave no drink unattended, leave no one behind and leave the lucky delivery guy out in the cold unless he happens to be that sexy hunk-o-dino, the TRENDASAURUS.

Brian McMullen is a journalism senior and Mustang Daily columnist.