Oriana Bardinelli
Special to Mustang News
Editor’s note: Caitlyn is a pseudonym. For the protection of her privacy, her name has been changed.
Caitlyn had just finished high school and was excited to spend the summer with her boyfriend of four years before they went to college together. Looking back, she never expected the violent turn their relationship was about to take. Caitlyn followed her boyfriend to Cal Poly without second-guessing it.
But soon after fall quarter began, Caitlyn’s boyfriend began drinking heavily.
When she raised concern and became annoyed, he became violent.
“He’d wait until we were alone or had walked away (from everyone else) and start calling me names,” she said. “A few times, he pushed me, and then once he just threw me up against the wall.”
Dating violence is a pressing concern on college campuses. Students like Caitlyn are faced with the emotional and physical stress of abuse as they struggle to maintain normal college priorities.
According to research conducted by the University of Michigan Sexual Assault Prevention and Awareness Center, one in five college students have experienced dating violence at the hands of their partner.
It is important to note the stigma of reporting acts of dating violence often prevents many victims from reporting the incident.
What abuse looks like today
In 2011, Knowledge Networks conducted the “Love Is Not Abuse: College Dating Violence and Abuse Poll” across universities nationwide.
Survey responses classified college dating violence as “violent and abusive behaviors including physical, sexual, tech, verbal or controlling abuse.”
Abuse today is no longer limited to physical altercations. Monitoring a partner’s cell phone and stalking social media are becoming new, discreet ways of control for abusers.
Graphic by Citlaly Santos
For Caitlyn, abuse began when her boyfriend started to drink more frequently. After several months at college, he confessed he had been unfaithful multiple times while partying with friends.
Moving past the incident, Caitlyn said, only made him more comfortable in their relationship.
Mathews Elijah, the clinical director for the Women’s Shelter of San Luis Obispo, has spent more than 15 years working with victims of intimate partner violence. He notes that behavior such as cheating and lying can become methods of control in an abusive relationship.
“Part of what happens in domestic violence relationships is there’s a sort of smoke screen,” he said. “(They) attempt to keep the victim off balance; to make them question their own sense of knowingness.”
By manipulating their partner’s sense of certainty, abusers begin a cycle of emotional distress because victims start to believe they are to blame.
The final blow
A year and a half after arriving at Cal Poly, Caitlyn broke the cycle of abuse in her life. As an argument escalated between the couple, her boyfriend shoved her up against a nearby wall and punched her in the face.
She wore makeup to hide the bruises for the next few days.
After the incident, Caitlyn blocked him from contacting her via her phone and social media. She has not talked to him since that night.
“It was my time to walk away,” she said. “The bad stuff goes out, and the good memories I will hopefully still have for the rest of my life.”
Involving others
According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, half of dating violence victims report the violence to someone else; Of these, 88 percent report the violence to a friend and 20 percent to criminal justice authorities.
“A victim’s choice to report an incident depends on their level of comfortability,” San Luis Obispo Police Department Capt. Chris Staley said.
Before being interviewed for this article, Caitlyn had only shared her story with her employer. When asked why she had not reported her abuse to the police or told her parents, she said, “I don’t want people to look at me and see that. It does not define me.”
This sentiment is common among dating violence victims and reflects the struggle of emotions they are faced with post-abuse. Many choose not to report cases to the authorities due to feelings of shame or out of protection for their partner.
Victims Witness, an office of the San Luis Obispo District Attorney’s office, represents victims of abuse in cases reported to authorities.
“In a domestically violent dating relationship, you don’t want to believe this (violent) person is the person you care about, and they’re apologetic, so you want to believe them,’’ said Jennifer Cudworth, assistant director and a victim advocate for the the office. “But you forgive and then it usually just gets worse.”
Victims Witness offers a variety of services for those affected by dating violence, including confidential resources for emotional health counseling.
Video by Taylor Phillips
Society’s responsibility
On Jan. 31, 2013, President Barack Obama proclaimed February 2013 to be National Teen Dating Violence Awareness and Prevention Month. In his proclamation speech, the president said it is society’s responsibility “to make dating violence an act that is never tolerated in our communities, among those we know or in our own lives.”
Elijah thinks prevention of dating violence will only begin with a necessary culture shift. Until society begins to believe that women deserve equal treatment to men, he said, their objectification as inferior will allow for continued abuse.
Though dating violence is not gender-specific, it affects mostly women. Girls aged 16-24 experience the highest rates of dating violence, according to data from The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
For abusers, “violence is always a choice,” Elijah said. But it does not have to be the only choice a victim has.
Moving on
When Caitlyn followed her ex to Cal Poly, her own education plans were put on hold. Since leaving her ex, she has shifted her focus toward getting her own degree. This March, she found out her application to another university had been approved.
“The other day I passed him on the freeway, and for a minute, I was sad,” she said. “But then I realized he’s not my problem anymore.”
How do you know if a relationship is abusive? Take the quiz below to learn more.