Avoid disappointment later, give up now

While some people are still wishing each other “Happy New Year” around campus (it’s been 17 days; this year’s already stale), I’ve successfully given up on 2008. Why so soon, you ask? Well, it’s not that I don’t expect great things from 2008, I’m just honoring my sole New Year’s Resolution: give up on everything.

By giving up hope on 2008, I won’t be disappointed at the end of the year when nothing worthwhile happens come Dec. 31. Incredible things are scheduled to happen in 2008: We elect a new president (ready, set, don’t vote but still complain about the outcome!), my housemate turns five (leap year, baby), and “The Dark Knight” comes to theaters (insert tired “Brokeback Mountain” joke about Heath Ledger’s role as The Joker here).

But I’m ready to be disappointed by all these things: Hillary Clinton removes her wig to reveal Voldemort’s face on the back of her head, my housemate requests chocolate cake instead of white and Batman attributes his powers to tiny organisms called Midichlorians living within his cells.

However, having known the worst would come to pass, my emotions will be apathetic instead of horrified beyond reason. Another great aspect of my resolution is that it’s the only resolution I can actually give up without giving up. If I give up “Get In Shape For Bikini Season,” then I will be upset when I have to hang up my thong and wear shorts come spring quarter at Pismo. If I give up “Give Up On Everything,” I’m actually supporting my own resolution, and therefore not giving it up. For another example, if I give up “Stop Strangling Small Animals”… well, I guess I’m going to stop my example right there. Um, please move along to the next paragraph.

Congratulations! If you found this sentence, you know what a paragraph is! Now, before I came across my perfectly pessimistic resolution, several other options were weighed. For each of the last five years, I had declared “200X: The James Koman Personal Improvement Year!” Those failed all miserably. They involved some sort of exercise routine, a diet plan and an overall attitude adjustment (here’s a secret: I’m an ass). I remember back in 2005 when I was seriously considering a gym membership with a high school friend of mine. That thought lasted one entire Instant Messenger conversation. While I acknowledged the idea of weight loss, the concept of going to a separate sprawling building monstrosity to exercise in a quiet suburb with plenty of open space and clean air disgusted me. And dieting would be much easier if a salad wasn’t a salad. (“Well, maybe if you put some nuts in it, jerk****”). Yeah, trust me, I tried.

Lastly, my pompous attitude toward the world will only improve when the Cal Poly populace learns to recognize satire when they see it. Last week’s article was a white person making fun of white people, thereby, himself. It was supposed to encourage introspection, folks, not misdirected malice. I would like to applaud those of you who understood that the article was written tongue-in-cheek, whether or not you found it humorous. This is the only printed response you’ll receive from me in regard to that article.

With this mindset, I can still attempt to improve myself. Walking up the stairs at the library translates to a mile of sprinting, right? And Backstage Pizza provides me with the essential microbes to sicken me into weight loss, correct? And I can improve my attitude by telling myself I’ll do charity work more often, I presume? But if those methods fail to pan out, it’s no big deal because I knew nothing was going to pan out.

I guess I was just tired of disappointing myself, and when it comes down to it, I seem to have chosen the resolution that requires the least amount of input in order to keep it fulfilled. Is that lazy? No, I prefer to call it American. So with my New Year’s Pessimistic Resolution in hand, I’m ready to not care about everything that 2008 throws at me. Despite the many sad events and disappointments this past year (Bob Barker left “The Price Is Right,” and someone felt compelled to give Drew Carey a job, Madonna took up a hobby of stealing children and people worshiped the iPhone more like the second coming and less like a pretty phone), I can rest assured that 2008 is going to be as miserable as 2007.

And I look forward to not sweating over it.