Lauren RabainoLee Barats: No. I’m out $50 in the Lotto.
In order to disprove this retarded claim, I will directly address several actual fortunes:
There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends.
I consider you a friend, Sean. However, you happen to be the biggest liar I know. Remember when I was missing one of my pot pies and you told me Duncan ate it? Well, I found the empty bowl in your trashcan and crumbs in your bed. Who even eats in their bed? Liars, that’s who.
A single kind word will keep one warm for years.
Tell it to the homeless guy on Higuera. Seriously. Go up to him and just say one kind word like “unity” or some bullshit. Then step back, watch and see if he still needs the only jacket he owns. Fortune cookies = shitty domestic policy.
Ideas are like children; there are none so wonderful as your own.
Have you seen that “Charlie bit me” kid? Adorable. My children, on the other hand, don’t exist. That means that even the “I like turtles” kid is more wonderful than mine.
Something you lost will soon turn up.
This is why people think fortunes are true. They just make vague general statements until they inevitably come true, then they are given way too much credit. Astrologists, politicians and prophets do the same thing. If you lose your great-grandmother to polio and then 50 years later die yourself, well there’s your great-grammaw right there waiting for you in the next world. Prophesy fulfilled! Idiots.
Plan for many pleasures ahead.
Something has to be a statement in order for it to be true. This is just a command. Next.
Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go!
Want to know what I did today? Took a nap. Intrigued? Of course not. After waking up from my nap, I considered going to class, but I convinced myself that class was going to suck and nine hours of sleep isn’t really enough when I only got six hours two nights ago. Excited? Of course not. That sentence was so boring, I’m surprised you made it to this one. Fortune debunked.
Nature, time and patience are the three best physicians.
Try contracting the plague. Go to India, eat a rat, live with nature, be patient and talk to me in a week. Oh wait, you’ll be dead in a week. You’ll die a terrible, painful death when you could have just gone to a doctor and taken some penicillin. When nature, time and patience join forces to develop and mass-produce a cure for cancer, I’ll listen to a fortune cookie.
Sean Michetti: Yes. I’m living in a new mansion. Thanks fortune cookie!
Of course fortune cookies are true. How would they earn their name if fortunes never came true? Are you calling the cookie a liar, Lee Barats? If the cookies held a little slip of lies, the public would demand the false fortunes be called what they really are – bullshit cookies. Can you imagine what sales numbers would be like for a bullshit cookie? Anyone outside of Montana wouldn’t touch the thing and the fortune cookie companies would have to file for bankruptcy. Lying is not in the fortune cookie industry’s best interest.
The problem isn’t with the fortune cookie; it’s with the user. If the fortune doesn’t come true, it’s because you’re not taking the correct steps to ensure success. There are four crucial steps that must be followed for your fortune to come true.
Step one:
When you’re at a Chinese restaurant, touch every fortune cookie at your table. For maximum fortune potential, the cookie must pick the eater. You’ll know you’ve found the perfect cookie when euphoria floods your brain as your hand grazes over it. Grab this cookie and defend it with your life, because this is just the beginning of wonderful fortune and riches headed your way. That is, if you can handle step two.
Step two:
Perfectly crack the cookie down its center and remove the fortune, shielding it from others’ eyes. It is very important that no one else sees your fortune. Generally, a young cousin or grandparent will want to share fortunes with you. You must tell them you’d rather withdraw all the money in your bank account and throw it in a fire. Tell your nosey relative your cookie was empty, because if you allow anyone else to read your fortune, it becomes instantly invalid.
Step three:
Memorize your fortune, because.
Step four:
You have to fold up the fortune into a small square and put it back into one half of the cookie. Then eat the cookie, fortune and all. This ensures you’ll be the only one to ever see those glorious words. This is the last step in truly knowing if the fortune was meant for you. If your body reacts negatively to the paper fortune and you become sick, then you know you messed up step one and the cookie wasn’t meant for you. But if it goes down smooth and you feel as hopeful as a leprechaun, then you can be certain luck is on the way.
Now you know how to make that fortune come true. If you need to practice step four, rip Tit for Tat out of the paper, fold it into a square and ingest it. If it feels warm, it means Lee and I will play an important role in your future.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.