A Rather Frank and Unrealistic Proposal

Hello, Cal Poly fraternities and sororities. I gather you here to speak of an issue that deeply concerns me.

I speak of course, of the uncreative themed party. I’d like those of you in the audience to raise your hand if you have ever attended an ’80s party. Good, that’s all of you. Now, I’d like you re-enact your favorite episode of “Desperate Housewives” if you’ve attended more than 10 ’80s parties in the last year. Nobody’s re-enacting? Is that because “Desperate Housewives” sucks or that you’ve attended less than 10 ’80s parties in the last year?

STUDENT IN AUDIENCE: No, we just don’t care about “Desperate Housewives.”

Well, that’s a relief. The latest statistics show that the average fraternity and sorority will only come up with an original party idea once every 17 years (source: www.bureauofmadeupstatistics.gov).

This trend in dull-themed parties is a danger to Cal Poly’s social atmosphere. Sir, you have disproportionately large biceps. Have you noticed a decline in attendance to your fraternity parties?

FRATERNITY GUY: (Too busy staring at biceps to respond.)

Thanks, buddy. As attendance at fraternity parties declines, students drink less and then study more. And when students study, it leads to conscious thought. This can have disastrous effects. For example, please refer to the influx of letters to the editor of the Mustang Daily regarding the remedial English students versus their older colleagues. Horrifyingly hilarious.

The only way to counter these terrible outbursts of human thought is to get our students out on the streets and binge drinking once again! Now I wouldn’t expect the Greek system to come up with new party ideas. That requires effort and often the wearing of shirts, which I know for some of you fraternity boys will be a change of pace. Therefore, I’ve decided to help you out.

SORORITY PARTY IDEAS: Hey girlfriends, it’s going to be hard for you ladies to do this, but it must be done. I’m taking away the ’80s music, the neon-colored spandex, the bulky jewelry and the heavy eye shadow. Trust me, Jesus would do the same. Very nice; let’s get started:

1. The Jane Austen Party: Get out that pianoforte! It’s time to daintily waltz your way into the cold, moody heart of your man. Men and women alike will take turns about the room when they realize they get to dress in the sexiest 18th century garb whilst talking in bad British accents. Will you be able to find a man to wed before your corset suffocates you to death?

2. The Functioning Member of Society Party: There are some rules to this party. You must talk in coherent sentences, you may not mention the words “high,” “school,” or “musical,” and there will be no text messaging allowed. Think of it as a game where you all lose and I win.

FRATERNITY PARTY IDEAS: Most fraternity party themes involve a rhyme scheme that follows this formula: stuff that rhymes with hos. For example, Golf Pros and Tennis Hos, CEOs and Secretary Hos, and other celebrations of gender equality. Now let’s try harder:

1. The Respect For Women Party: Each time someone does or says something that degrades women, you take a drink. Everyone, both guys and girls, will be wasted in 20 minutes.

2. The My Band is Better Than Your Band Party: Invite some indie-centric KCPR hipster student to DJ your party. The best part about this party is that your bros invite a bunch of music snobs to the party, they put cash into the beer fund, but they become too busy debating music to actually drink the beer. Therefore, you guys can have more beer left over! And last I checked, fraternities like beer.

Maybe I’m too idealistic. A friend of a friend recently hosted a When-Hell-Freezes-Over party. That means people should dress and/or act in ways they would never have done until Hell freezes over. So, the host wore a crazy wig and all sorts of hideous clothing and make-up, all things she never would have worn, even to a Halloween party. However, many students just aren’t bright enough to grasp such a genius concept. A small fraction of the guests understood the theme and dressed appropriately, the stupid, dah, I mean grand majority, dressed in reds and whites, assuming that the phrase “when Hell freezes over” implies a “fire and ice” theme. I suppose Cal Poly students are just too thick to grasp new concepts.

Well, it’s not like you people learned anything; the guys have just been taking off their shirts and flexing the whole time, while the girls have simply been text messaging and applying thick layers of lip gloss. Why I even try is beyond me.