A new perspective on dating

The random hookup (a.k.a. the Holy Grail) for party-goers is a feat few can accomplish on a regular basis. Most individuals must go on at least one date, if not more, before they have sex with others. Thus, I decided to make some guidelines that will help some individuals navigate a date to victory. That being said, I am calling all college-aged nymphettes, MILFs, and up-and-coming porn stars to let them know that their express train to Pleasuretown will soon be leaving the station. All aboard!

Now I know some of you are asking: “But Mike, why would somebody who is the embodiment of human perfection, sheer masculinity, and who has the natural stamina of an Arabian stallion need to write a dating/sex article?”

To answer your question, I felt the population of Cal Poly just needed a different perspective on dating advice and I felt compelled to give my two cents (which is $7,999.98 off my suggested retail price for advice).

To start things off, there are few things in life that are better than great sex. I have even taken the liberty to create a complete list of things that are, in fact, better than sex:

This column.

A common course of action for a date is the dinner, movie and coffee route. And by coffee, I mean sex. The order is crucial, for this is the only recognized form of legal prostitution. On nights when I am feeling generous, I will let the lovely lady take me out for a nice steak dinner instead of cooking one for me. Any restaurant that serves red meat and alcohol will suffice. Everyone knows alcohol is nature’s most powerful aphrodisiac, so use adequately. And if the restaurant has cloth napkins, that is all for the better. The dinner step serves as a solid foundation for the rest of the evening; make it count.

The next step is the movie. Choose a movie with gratuitous amounts of sex and violence. Everyone loves these types of movies, (at least cool people do) and it will bring out the most primal instincts in a person. Never under any circumstances watch a romantic comedy. Side effects of romantic comedies may include you peeling off your own face or remaining flaccid for at least 48 hours. Nobody wins if a romantic comedy is chosen. Also make sure to keep the movie choice short and sweet. A long movie will ruin the effects of the alcohol; thus, the prospects of either of you looking attractive at the end of the night will diminish.

Now it is time to pull the trigger. If you played your cards right you should have seen signs that give you the green light. These signs are, but not limited to:

She says, “I want to have sex with you.”

She says, “I shaved tonight.”

She says, “Let’s go back to my place.”

She is over 35 and does not have a ring on the left hand (congratulations, you bagged a cougar).

You have a hairy chest and write humorous chauvinistic columns.

What happens from here on out is up to your discretion.

My final piece of advice is for after everything has been said and the deed is well done. If there is more to your night other than your partner leaving (or making you a sandwich), the situation must be handled delicately. Mutual NSA (no strings attached) is preferable, but occasionally “feelings” may develop. If left unattended, these “feelings” may grow into a problem known as a relationship, or worse: love. The cycle of sex will most likely continue, but the sex will not be as good and normal conversation will become argumentative. Choose the route that suits you best.

On a more serious note, I can only offer advice from my perspective. There is much more to an intrapersonal relationship than a date leading to sex – that is if you and your partner so choose to have sex in the first place. Two people can have a great time doing just about anything ranging from talking to a walk around town, staying inside to play a board game to going on an adventurous road trip. The possibilities are endless. The ultimate goal being that both parties are equally happy at the end of the day. And if this article somehow miraculously lands me a date, I might even pick up the tip. Happy dating.

Michael Macedo is a manufacturing engineering senior and a guest columnist for the Mustang Daily.