Ryan Chartrand
Editor’s note: The Bunion is fake news. Period.
SAN LUIS OBISPO – Gambling junky Vinny “The Noodle” Rigatoni, who needs action like a failed kidney needs dialysis, swore today in numerous encounters with debt collectors, loan sharks and mafia henchman that he is “really, honestly, good for it.”
Just two days ago, Vinny lost his $150,000 wager that Billy Joel would take less than one minute and forty seconds at the Super Bowl’s opening to sing the national anthem, adding to a long string of losses and increasing his alleged debt to some number which cannot be accurately calculated due to the loss in precision in any of the best known computer methods.
The assortment of collectors bearing documents of reposession and instruments of torture were moved by Vinny’s earnest request.
“I met with Jimmy unexpectedly in a dark alley with the intent of removing each of his toes, one by one,” said bruiser Billy Buff. “I can’t put my finger on it, but there was just something convincing in his frantic pleas for mercy. When I produced and suggestively began cleaning my pair of boltcutters, he stammered anything he thought I could want to hear, and I just had to believe him. I gave him 48 more hours.”
“Before Vinny, I had no idea it was actually possible to be sent out to reposses perishables, tolietries or hairpieces,” said repo-man Steven Faucet. “The last time I came to his appartment, he hid behind the door, leapt out and tried to bite me in the neck. That guy gives me the creeps.”
Rigatoni, who hasn’t had a job in years and has no viable source of income, sincerely promises to pay off his debt.
“Look, all I need is some credit increases, short extensions on my debts and a dozen new loans. I got the system figured out on Bingo and Keno, and that one chick I bet $90,000 on to win American Idol is the lock of the century.”
Rigatoni excused himself from the interview and proceeded to huddle next to an ATM machine and cry while pushing random sequences of buttons. His immediate family were not available for comment, as they have all been kidnapped and are being held as a lien against the debt.
Vinny’s friends have ceased all contact with him.
“It got pretty annoying at one point,” commented an anonymous friend. “Vinny was always inviting you to this health club to take saunas and then trying to steal money from your wallet while your clothes were off. Or this one time, I was on my way to work, and at a stoplight a man came to my car window with a gun telling me to get out of the car. Turns out it was Vinny with a squirt gun. Boy, was he embarrased when I recognized him. I haven’t seen him since.”
The memorial service for Vinny “The Noodle” Rigatoni has been prearranged and will be held Friday morning at White Hall Memorial Church. The funeral will be closed casket, and the funeral staff will be accepting donations during the service.