“PBR in a glass is like putting clothes on your dog. You look dumb. Your dog looks dumb. Dumb.”
Nick Larson and Jake Devincenzi
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Kinesiology senior Nick Larson and aerospace engineering senior Jake Devincenzi are Mustang News beer columnists.
Nothing makes us happier than seeing newfound beer enthusiasts ditch their cans of Natty and PBR to pick up a bottle of something crafty, or impressing us further by pouring their beer into proper glassware. But if we ever see someone pour a beer from our “No crap on tap” column into a glass, they will win immediate induction onto our short list of people not to drink beer with. PBR in a glass is like putting clothes on your dog. You look dumb. Your dog looks dumb. Dumb.
Since we’re on the topic of people who make our short list, here’s another way to catch a first-class ticket. Let us set the mood …
It’s Friday night after a long week of midterms. A couple of buddies invite you down to the pub to hang out, chat and drink some of that magical hoppy elixir that rids your mind of all the week’s troubles. Naturally, you accept, and soon enough, you are drinking a deliciously refreshing double black IPA and chatting about your favorite topic: beer, of course. (On a side note, Drake’s Son of Dad is an exceptionally delicious Double Black IPA, if you ever see it on tap.)
While drinking your beer, you start chatting with a new guy who just walked in. He seems to really like beer, and you see great potential in him. He tells you how he loves drinking craft beer and names all of his favorite drinking spots in town. Right when you start to think this guy could become a great addition to your beer-loving family, the waiter comes around and asks him what he wants to order.
“Hmm … Oh! You have Blue Moon! I’ll have one of those.”
(Insert long, jaw-dropping silence)
Go straight to the short list. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.
With the steadily rising appreciation for craft beer comes a similar increase in people claiming to appreciate craft beer. Don’t get us wrong; this is still better than nothing. But just because your beer is in a bottle doesn’t mean it is a noteworthy craft beer. Sure, Samuel Adams Boston Lager is a great beer in its own right, but if you get excited about a pub with 40 craft beers on tap selling a bottle of Samuel Adams Boston Lager, we will cringe and might not talk to you for a while.
Fear not, young beer connoisseurs. Below are some suggestions for how to please your palate and avoid awkward experiences and broken friendships. Yes, our friendships are heavily based on beer preferences.
Replace: Blue Moon, Shock Top, Hangar 24 Orange Wheat
With: Hoegaarden or PranQster (Both available in 6-packs)
There’s nothing wrong with lighter beer, but just because you can find a beer anywhere doesn’t mean it’s good. Mass production tends to lead to lower quality in MOST cases. Hoegaarden is likely the best low-cost wheat beer around, and can be found at any BevMo! and many bars. PranQster is a common Belgian-style golden ale, a great segue into full-fledged Belgian ales. We said this in our first article, but we will reiterate: Blue Moon and Shock Top get the job done and are fun for a while, but they can’t compare to real craft beer.
Replace: Anchor Steam, Fat Tire
With: Alaskan Amber (6-pack), Lagunitas Little Sumpin’ Sumpin’ (6-pack), Lagunitas Lucky 13 Mondo Large Red Ale (22 oz)
Sure, these are better than the previous group of beers, but you’re still playing in the minor leagues here. Both of these breweries are better than these representations of them. Nearly every brewery has this problem — that one beer everyone seems to love — yet avid beer consumers know it’s crap. It’s the same problem in Game of Thrones, as there are a lot of awesome characters, yet the inbred weasel Joffrey is “King … ” Anyway, look to an alternative like the Alaskan Amber, a basic American amber style with loads of taste. If you’re looking to sip rather than drink, grab a bottle of Lagunitas Lil’ Sumpin’ Sumpin’ American ale or Lucky 13 Mondo Large Red, which will pack some serious flavor into your brew.
Replace: Stone IPA
With: New Belgium Rampant Imperial IPA (6-pack), Deschutes Chasin’ Freshies IPA (22 oz), or ANYTHING ELSE BY STONE BREWING CO.
Brace yourselves, San Luis Obispo — this one’s gonna sting. Ranting about how much you love Stone IPA does not make you a craft beer connoisseur. Stone Brewing Co., in our opinion, is one of the best craft breweries in California. This particular beer, however, is unexciting and the worst they make by far. Would we grab a Stone IPA over Blue Moon or PBR? Damn straight! But treating your 24-pack of Stone IPA like some prized possession is like going to Disneyland and skipping Indiana Jones, Space Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean because you love riding It’s A Small World. Please, San Luis Obispo, help end this pandemic.
We understand we are snobby and judgmental, but we have more than 300 unique bottles on our walls, so we don’t really care. It’s all for your benefit, and one day you’ll understand. Take what we have to say to heart, and don’t be afraid to explore new tastes and give them a fair and honest chance. Once you harness the power of the Force, only then can we prevail over the dark side (or, in this case, the light side).