Yes, my friends. That sad day has come — a day which will live in infamy. Today, I unveil my last Mustang Daily masterpiece before I go off and become famous somewhere.
I understand that a handful of readers will not miss my column nor my mere existence on campus. But these are the folks I will miss the most as I pass the baton. I thank these people for giving me a good laugh with their humorously inane comments and rants.
I’d also like to thank the English Department at Cal Poly for providing me with the critical thinking skills necessary to dissolve the left’s arguments. I know you’ve gotten a lot of heat lately from my critics, but you have truly formed me into the conservative writer that I am today. It pains me that you have been so unjustly “victimized” as a result of my own brilliance. But I digress.
Before I sign off, I would like to leave you all with my own tenets of awesomeness. Call them what you wish (Conservative Commandments, Rules for the Right Road, etc.), but I hope they will be your bread and butter as you take advantage of your Cal Poly education and post-Poly lives.
1) Keep exposing the corruption and silliness of the left, and you will always find enough evidence. The facts are in your favor, and common sense is on your side.
2) Stand up for what’s right: Conservative values are hard to come by in the grand marketplace of ideas, especially as we are inundated with repetitive liberal “goobers.” Don’t ever get intimidated, as there are always more conservatives out there than you think, and “independents” are still the majority among your peers. Don’t be silenced.
3) Always make sure “the man” is held accountable. Whether it’s Cal Poly administration or the government, take a closer look (especially when your own money is on the line).
4) The world is not out to get you, regardless of your race, ethnicity, orientation, etc. This is America, and we have come a long way since the old days. Prejudice and discrimination still exist, but these factors are small bumps in the road. On the other hand, there is no cure for stupidity, which is the ultimate path to regression. This is the land of opportunity.
Parting is such sweet sorrow. I hope that we all come out of this a little wiser and that we can get over this separation like mature adults. I know you probably won’t find another writer like me, but that’s the price we must pay for greatness. There is still so much we need to say to each other. However, if you have access to explosives, please refrain from sending me any “fan mail” as we turn this page.
Lastly, I’d like to conclude by giving a shoutout to some of my most dedicated supporters: “Spicy Mexican Salsa,” “anonamous” (sic) and “monkeymug” — your voices will always prevail — unless, of course, your comments get censored or my articles get removed from the Web.
To everyone, enjoy your time at Cal Poly and don’t forget to continue stirring things up after I leave. Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.
Stay classy, Cal Poly.