Don’t be “that guy”

Brace yourselves. I have chosen to venture away from defining a single word and have expanded to describing a short phrase: “that guy” and the feminine derivative “that girl.” Our generation has created this title to honor our most intoxicated colleagues and to ensure only those absolutely hammered receive this title, I have complied a list of signs to let you know which of your friends qualify1. Check to see if your friend…

– Wears what appears to be a costume as an everyday outfit

-Bumps into random people

-Spills excessively

-Drunk dials or texts (annoying but understandable at 2 a.m., less understandable at 2 p.m.)

-Makes plans to spend time with people he will not remember

-Drinks hard alcohol from a 16-ounce plastic cup

-Vomits before you finish your second drink

-Has a cigarette in her hand for 20 minutes before she can find a lighter, and then needs another 20 minutes to figure out how it works

-Has an assortment of burns and bruises (some from unsuccessfully attempting a keg stand2)

-Is on the roof with a handle in his hand

-Decides he no longer needs to “go the bathroom” in the bathroom

-Insults the SNAPs

-Engages in untimely nudity

-Is wearing your clothes

-Insists that he is sober and should be the one to talk to the cops

-Checks her name-engraved necklace (on backwards of course) to remember her name

-Starts a one-person dance party and passes out on the couch before everyone else is dancing

-Has friends drawing on him (aka is being chiefed3)

-Claims the people helping her attempt to walk are her best friends

-Cannot find her house

-Forgets that she is wearing a dress (i.e. trying to climb in through a window)

-Passes out on the toilet mid-pee

I have enumerated these signs to help you decide if your friend qualifies as that guy or girl4, but if you find yourself fulfilling one of the aforementioned signs, don’t fret. We’ve all taken our turn being “that guy.”

Marci Palla is a public policy graduate student and a Mustang Daily humor columnist. “Marci’s Word of the Week” explores some of the more important vernacular of college life, one word at a time.