In case you missed President Obama’s year-end address, I’ve taken the liberty of sharing my interpretation of it with you. Please note that several empty platitudes have been removed for the sake of brevity:
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Hi, everyone. As 2011 comes to an end and we look ahead to 2012, I want to wish you all a very happy New Year.
The past year has been a time of great challenge and great progress for our country. You’ve all seen the fierce debates rock Capitol Hill — debates that will ultimately determine our future.
I’ve had several closed-door meetings with my most respected advisers, and the results are promising — my golf swing is improving dramatically. Indeed, the future looks bright.
The year 2011 was a time of crisis for Americans. A long-term budget debate nearly shut down the government. Our credit rating was downgraded by S&P 500. And how can we forget the largest crisis that rocked the nation — my birth certificate. The GOP acted as if this was some huge constitutional issue. Some people just can’t mind their own business.
The year likewise supplied us with its deal of tragedy. In October, we mourned the loss of the great Steve Jobs. Jobs was a prime example of how even corporate America can squeeze some profit out of my suffocating economic policy. I firmly believe that our government should commemorate his innovative, entrepreneurial spirit by rewarding those like him with greater economic influence — let’s tax ‘em some more!
Last year, more than 85 percent of undergrads moved back in with their parents, but I’m sure this is just an aftershock of the Bush administration. As my colleague Sen. Harry Reid has mentioned, the private sector is doing “just fine.” As such, I will do everything in my power to create some more unnecessary jobs in the public sector.
Back in the Middle East, Osama Bin Laden’s death was a great blow to our enemies. And since he’s the only member of the Taliban that really hated our guts, I’d like to once again stand behind Joe Biden’s comments and reaffirm that the Taliban is no longer a threat to our country. Instead, let’s stay focused on the real “terrorists” — those darn “tea baggers.”
We’ve all witnessed the fight for democracy in the Arab world. Millions gathered in public squares to fight oppression in what was coined the “Arab Spring.” Several nasty dictators called it quits. As a result, an organic form of civilized, Sharia law has stabilized these newly democratized governments, and military rule has kept violence to a minimum. Who needs leadership foresight when you have the power of the people?
It’s no surprise that similar populist movements have swept our nation over the course of the year. Let me reach out to all the “Occupy” protestors and say that I fully support your brave efforts. I’m a bit confused by what you folks actually want, but I’d be more than willing to supply you with some brand-new “Obama 2012” picket signs to sustain your efforts. I think it would generate some unity the next time you decide to soil public property. Keep the hope alive!
And nothing fills us with greater hope than some true signs of economic recovery. Indeed, Washington, D.C. is thriving more than ever, and this is just the beginning. As we head into the New Year, I’m hopeful that we have what it takes to face real change and come out even stronger — to grow our government, control the economy and create more vibrant entitlement programs.
I was inspired by what we saw right before Christmas, when members of Congress came together to prevent a tax hike for 160 million Americans — saving a typical family about $40 in every paycheck. Yes, folks, you may lose your job in the next few months, but at least you’ll have a few more Jackson’s in your wallet to get you through the harsh winter. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure those unemployment checks keep flowing. I expect Congress to finish the job by extending these provisions through 2012.
It was refreshing to see Congress truly fight for their constituents. And this was only possible because you added your voices to the debate. Democrats in Congress may have ignored your voice in the past (such as during the health care battle), but together we made history. The audacity of your hope will ensure continued security and peace of mind. That is, until your house is foreclosed or you are evicted from your apartment.
More than anything else, you are the ones who make me hopeful about 2012, just as I was back in ’08. We are at a make-or-break moment for America. We must “make” the hard choices and sacrifice our hard earned dollars or else generous subsidized services like Planned Parenthood will go “broke.” What kind of world do we want our children and grandchildren to grow up in?
As President, I promise to do everything I can to make America a place where special interests and unstable green businesses are rewarded. That’s the America I believe in, and that’s the America we’ve created. I’m confident that if we work together, then we can guarantee every American receives sufficient unemployment checks.
From Michelle, Malia, Sasha, Bo and myself: Happy New Year’s.