Are humans the next endangered species?

Lee Barats

No, thank you again, Second Amendment.

Oh please. We humans rule the planet. If you were to pick one species to be “Captain of the Planet,” we would be it. And like any good captain, we’re going down when the ship goes down.

We’ll be here when God finally burns Earth and sends us all to hell for our sins. You know who won’t make it to the rapture? The barn owl, the timberwolf and 586,000 other species of plants and animals. Entire countries may be wiped out, but we’ve prepared ourselves too well to be completely exterminated.

Humans invented endangered species. Since day one, we’ve done everything in our power to secure our own survival. We killed off the woolly mammoth, the dinosaurs and even those goddamn dodo birds to make sure no other animal could overtake us.

That’s just the start. As soon as we were smart enough, we started building factories to level the physical playing field. The pollution from these factories made all the animals sick and weak. Know what factories did for humans? They gave us guns. Now we can kill to our heart’s content.

What animal could possibly take us all out? Bengal tigers? Bring it, bitch. The tigers of the world might be able to tear a few throats, but that will only last until our elected leaders press a button halfway around the world and nuke the shit out of those striped bastards. Humans are so in control, we’ve started messing with animals for fun. Watch a snake charmer, the running of the bulls, or a bass fishing competition and tell me we aren’t the most badass animals on the planet.

Scratch that. We’re the most bad-ass beings in the universe. Ever seen “Independence Day”? Those aliens went from planet to planet killing every life form they could until they ran into us. And who was the guy that stopped ’em? Will effin’ Smith. Will Smith is an actor. He has no military experience, yet he was still able to outsmart these aliens and upload a virus into their mothership. Imagine what a Navy Seal could do to those aliens.

Welcome to Earth, indeed.

So don’t listen to alarmists like Sean Michetti. Humans aren’t going anywhere but up. We’re smarter, we’re organized and we have freaking guns.

Until kittens can assemble a well-run army, we have nothing to worry about.

Sean Michetti:

Yes, humans may soon become Volkswagen’s The Thing: Obsolete.

People, now I’m not saying I’m ready to quit just yet. I’ve never been one to throw up my hands, empty my bank account, and live lavishly like it was the end of the world. The only exception was during Y2K, and I’ve since kept an improvised bomb shelter as a reminder to avoid hasty decisions. But last month was particularly destructive, with more than 150,000 people perishing in natural disasters. Now the human population is feeling the pressure to reproduce quickly to replenish our losses. But we can’t, because if we all skip work trying hard to conceive the world economy will be in greater financial trouble than Charles Barkley.

What humans need to do is follow the polar bear, and seek protection under the Endangered Species Act. This is the only way to prevent the total annihilation of mankind. Because once we are officially recognized as endangered species, we will receive defense from our top three predators: Mother Earth, bonobos and our clumsy selves.

Now, protective services should have taken us away from our violent Mother Earth centuries ago. From volcanic eruptions in Pompeii to killer tsunamis in southern Asia, thousands of humans suffer domestic abuse annually. Aside from loose predictions, there is no way to predict when or how large Mom’s beating will be.

This is why I am in favor of global warming. Finally, humans are fighting back. Our pollution is melting the murderous icebergs that claim the lives of innocent sailors. But the fight is hardly fair. Endangered protection will allow us to replenish every life ever lost to the fury of Mother Earth; just as the Wynn Las Vegas casino will replenish the $400,000 it loaned to Charles Barkley.

If humans become extinct, who will take our place? Answer: our closest relatives, the bonobo. This ape looks similar to a chimpanzee but its social behavior more closely mirrors humans. Here’s proof: when two bonobos argue and fight, they don’t attack each other like chimps, instead they have make-up sex. They’ve surely been observing us from treetops, patiently waiting until their invasion. These sex-crazed tree huggers are set on being the dominant species on Earth. Only problem is, they’re also endangered. But the rulebooks say nothing about one endangered species destroying another. So with our endangered protection, the hunting of bonobos will be tolerated until their luck runs out – like Charles Barkley at a craps table.

How often do you stub your toe? Bang your head? Light yourself on fire? If you’re like me, the answer is daily. We are more dangerous to ourselves than 180 mph winds or sex-starved bonobos. If humans are serious about existing, then our efforts must start at the grassroots level. We have to check ourselves, before we wreck ourselves. If we create a positive home for our children to grow up in the human race will procreate successfully and fight through any adversity. Because as you all know (pay attention Charles Barkley), the house always wins.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.