Lauren RabainoHey everyone! At the beginning of the school year, we asked you all to send us what you want us to argue about. Well, after months of waiting for our first e-mail, we decided to check our junk mail folder and boy, did we find some e-mails! We decided to debate as many of these topics as possible. So here’s what you, the public, want to hear!
Do you want a bigger erection?
LEE BARATS
YES This is an issue where people get entirely the wrong impression. When I say I want a larger erection, I in no way mean that I don’t have a decent one already. Think about this: how greedy are rich people? Very greedy. How greedy are poor people? Not as greedy. One could argue that people who want more of something already have too much of it. This is the flaw of human nature. Well, faithful reader, I am flawed. Gratuitously flawed. I’ve been blessed with so much man-wealth, I think I need more of it.
SEAN MICHETTI
NO Well Lee, for me it’s simply bad timing for this one. Any other school quarter and I’d be popping more erection pills than Rush Limbaugh and painkillers. The reason I can’t take penis-enhancers this quarter comes down to simple biology. I can’t afford to waste the blood necessary to perk the pecker. I graduate in June, and accordingly am working furiously to complete my senior project. Sex is at the bottom of my priority list until June 14. If I did maintain a massive erection for the home-stretch of my college career, my senior project wouldn’t get done, I wouldn’t graduate and then I would have no choice but to keep my colossal boner just to turn enough tricks to pay the rent.
Would you like to donate $1,000 to the banished prince of Nigeria?
LEE BARATS
YES Let me just get this out in the open: I stay informed. I know what’s going on in Africa. Political turmoil is resulting in a tremendous loss of life. Mainly children. If I can do anything to help this crisis, I should do so or face the wrath of hell. So given the opportunity to fund the glorious return of the rightful ruler of Nigeria, you bet your ass I will. I may be an everyday guy, but I truly believe I can make a difference. Twenty years down the road, when we look back on the present, everyone will recognize me as the sole reason order and prosperity was restored to the African continent. So of course I will back your cause, Prince Mumbukutu.
SEAN MICHETTI
NO I was lucky to grow up in a home with merciful parents, so I’ve never experienced a banishing. There were numerous events that should have resulted in my banishment, but I play the blame-game well. That is why my brother is still at a boarding school in Canada. What terrible thing could you have done, Prince, to result in your banishment? Your people, the royalty, have been inbreeding for centuries. Did you refuse to inbreed? Is that why you were banished? I’m sure it isn’t; you people love that stuff. So no, I won’t contribute to your incest-laden lifestyle, Prince. You’ll have to treat all your inbred-related illnesses with your own money.
Want to meet hot, local girls?
NO Don’t get me wrong. I don’t have a problem with meeting new people. I even enjoy meeting women from time to time. But girls? Easy there, pervert. I like my women legal. I know you tried to make me believe they’re old enough for me. You even put their age right there. But if I ain’t mistaken, 19 year-old Samantha from Atascadero looks a bit younger than 19. I’d put her at 16 tops. Her skin is just too baby-soft to be 19. So if you really want to set me up with someone, bring me a woman. Otherwise, try to live out your pedophilic tendencies vicariously through someone else.
SEAN MICHETTI
YES I’ve been meeting ugly foreign boys for too long. I don’t know what I possess, but those ugly foreign boys just flock to me. I’ve been changing my ways though. First, I started meeting HOT foreign boys. Then, I moved on to HOT LOCAL boys. Now I think I’m ready to settle with a HOT LOCAL GIRL. But she had better be local. I have a streak of being a creepy stalker. If she isn’t local, it will just cost me too much time and money to drive to whatever non-local city she lives in and stalk her. So I’d love to meet a hot, local girl, but chances are she won’t know we’re dating until she finds the shrine of her hair and garbage I’ve been collecting over a three-month stalk fest.
Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.