Tit for Tat: Is voting real?

Lee Barats: Yes. And I have the sticker to prove it.

Wow. What a stupid thing to argue about. Our country is based on the idea of everyone getting a say in politics. We believe in the democratic process so much, we’ve waged war on other countries so those people can live in a democracy, too. At least that’s what we give as a reason.

Point is, we Americans love voting so much, we’re willing to force it upon other people without the support of the U.N. So don’t tell me that voting isn’t real.

I went and voted today.

I filled in the bubbles, put the ballot in the slot, got the sticker from the senior citizen.

I experienced voting, Sean, and so can you. Doesn’t that make voting a reality? Now don’t get all philosophical on me. Let’s just assume that if you can touch, hear and feel something, it’s real. Well I touched voting, Sean. I heard it and, dear Lord, I felt it.

Now that’s not to say that the shadowy overlords who secretly run our society actually count our votes or are even influenced by them. This argument isn’t about the reality of democracy.

After an “election,” the ballots may be used as congressional toilet paper or burned to further screw the environment, but that takes nothing away from the reality of the voting process. Voting gives people the comforting, believable lie that they can do something to change their current situations by just filling in some circles and handing it to a Korea War veteran.

Plus, check out this sticker. It reads, “I voted.” It’s understandable to not believe me, but to doubt the validity of a sticker? Unacceptable. It’s common knowledge that you should not believe everything you hear, but you should sure as hell believe everything you read. Words are written on this sticker. Do you know where more words are written? The Bible. By standing there and denying that voting exists, you’re denying the validity of all written things. And I’ll be damned if I let you call the Bible into question. Literally.

Don’t worry, Cal Poly. You aren’t dreaming when you vote this week for Associated Student Inc. president and such. You’re only dreaming if you think you have a say in who actually becomes ASI president. Sleep tight.

Sean Michetti: No. I can’t tell you why here, read on.

What a fine time it is to be an American citizen of voting age. With each primary comes an air of excitement; will Hilary Clinton pull-off a Rocky Balboa-like comeback? Can Barack Obama convince superdelegates he’s the next Kennedy? Will John McCain be the first great-great-great-great grandfather elected president? Our vote is so personal to us; it’s almost like we enter a voting booth and give birth to an 8-pound, 5-ounce opinion. But I chose to abstain from voting. I realize that our votes don’t actually matter; it’s only used as a democratic pacifier.

Every two years we have some type of election, for state representatives, a president, or who your current Best Friend Forever will be. For each election, voting is implemented for citizens to voice their opinion with a ballot, instead of pitchforks and hand grenades (example: French Revolution). You see, our country’s actual political structure is a secret theocracy, or one leader with divine power. This is why a president can serve a maximum of eight years – the responsibility of being God’s secret representative on Earth is quite stressful. All the pressure has led to EVERY president (excluding Carter, George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton) dying some time after they leave office.

How could God have pulled the wool over Americans’ eyes for so long? How do we not realize that we don’t choose who serves us, He does. It’s quite brilliant actually. From George Washington until Herbert Hoover, mass communication was a futuristic idea. God didn’t have to worry about citizens’ involvement in daily presidential business. But then Franklin D. Roosevelt came along and threw a wrench in God’s divinely oiled political machine. His “fireside chats” encouraged citizens to write persuasive letters to legislators demanding certain measures be passed. So God had to step in and create something to give a false acknowledgement of Americans’ demands. He intelligently designed the Gallup National Poll to “survey” Americans’ attitude toward candidates and issues. All the data is fictional of course, it’s purely how God wants us to believe.

Today, voting is done electronically. Lee Barats will have you believe technology should be trusted. But truthfully, technology has only made it easier for our secret theocracy to thrive. With paper ballots there was physical evidence to dispose of; plus “hanging chads” brought far too much attention to ballot counting than God could handle.

For the general election, stay home this year. Because a vote for a candidate is really just a vote against free will. The only way to end our secretly oppressive theocracy is for every candidate to receive no votes. Well, either that or a revolution.

Lee Barats is a mechanical engineering senior and Sean Michetti is a journalism senior. Barats and Michetti are Mustang Daily humor columnists and can be contacted at TitsforTats@gmail.com.